Everyone Died+My iPhone Stopped Working: An Oral History of The Robot Apocalypse

The Thing

Dougal, Expectant Father

We asked our old friend Dougal how he felt about the possibility that the Robot War would soon come to an end. He gets to that eventually, sort of, but he clearly had other things on his mind.

Hi. If you have a moment, I'd like to talk to you today about Robot Jesus.

LOL!

Seriously, the last thing I want to talk about is Robot Jesus. I don't know if you heard, but my parents have been [televangelist voice] born again in the L.E.D. light of the Silicon Savior! Hallelujah! LOL! [regular voice] And get this! They're RJ's Apostles now!

Which, by the way, they never shut up about! I mean, it's nice that they have a new hobby. Keeps them off the street and out of trouble. But trust me on this: when they show up at your door, do not let them in. I've seen Jehova's Witnesses turn off their lights and pretend to not be home when they see my parents coming. LOL!

I know what you're thinking: weren't they already born again? Yes, they were! But now they're born-again again! Talk about your degrees of difficulty! That's like landing the Triple Lutz of Christianity! LOL!

See, Carbon-Based Jesus — that's what they now call the original Jesus — already had billions of followers, so Susan and Bob Latham were nothing special. But with Robot Jesus, they made the top twelve. Not bad, right? And you can totally tell that they're trying to get themselves included in The Even Newer Testament — which I hope is just the working title — 'cause they keep talking all Bible-y.

"Dougal, wouldst thou honor thy parents and passeth the potatoes?"

"And verily, the potatoes were passethed!"

LOL-eth!

They keep asking me if I want to be an Apostle — order now, supplies are limited! only five spots left! — which in a way really shows how much our relationship has progressed since those dark pre-Apocalypse days when they tried to "cure" me with a bottle full of my own poop. And while I think I'd look smokin' hot in a robe — did I mention? my conservative Midwestern parents now walk around in robes and sandals and of course socks — I've got more important things to deal with right now. Like our new next-door neighbors with their yappy Pomeranian.

Oh, and also...

I'M A FEW WEEKS AWAY FROM BECOMING A FATHER!!!!!!!!!!!!

You're gonna make that last sentence all caps, right? With italics and like a zillion exclamation points? Good, because I am FREAKING THE FUCK OUT OVER HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!

I mean, how can I be having a child? I've barely stopped thinking of myself as a child. I lose my keys at least three times a week. I spend hours happily playing with bubble wrap. Every now and then, I still shout the word "Whee!" unironically!

During sex. But still.

I keep trying to wrap my head around this whole thing.

Me. A father.

A father. Me.

Me? A father?

A father? Me?

Me! A father!

A father! Me!

As you can see, I'm making tremendous progress. LOL.

My parents keep reminding me of what Robot Jesus said, but I'm sorry, love is not the most powerful force in the the universe. Because I have a very pregnant — um... wife, I guess you'd call him? — so I know that the most powerful force in the universe, without doubt, is hormones.