Everyone Died+My iPhone Stopped Working: An Oral History of The Robot Apocalypse

Serious Science

Tyler Stevens, 20

College Student/Boy Toy

I apologize in advance for this interview. In order to make sense of the behavior of the AI's, I was hoping to speak with renowned Cognitive Psychologist Dr. Cynthia Warner, but while she survived the robot onslaught, she died a few weeks later from eating spoiled meat.

Botulinum toxin. It's no joke, people. Check your cans.

Instead of Dr. Warner, I had to settle for Tyler Stevens. He is not a Cognitive Psychologist, but in the months before the Robot Apocalypse he had been a student in one of Dr. Warner's undergraduate classes.

Again, not ideal. Beggars, choosers. You understand.

I was in Cyn's [Dr. Cynthia Warner] Cognitive Neuroscience course. And I'm pretty confident I was her favorite student. 'Cause she gave me a lot of... [smiles] ...individual attention, if you take my meaning.

I take your meaning.

We had sex, is what I'm saying.

Right.

Cyn was very upset when she learned that at least one, and possibly both, of the AI's had displayed anger. In fact, she was so upset that she couldn't sleep. Unless... [another smile] ...I wore her out, if you take my meaning.

I do.

I wore her out with sex, is what I'm saying.

Got it. So how come Dr. Warner was so upset about the idea of AI anger?

Because according to all of her research, it should have been impossible.

Why?

Because anger is a form of physiological arousal. [smiles] You know what else is a form of physiological arousal?

I'm sure I do.

Sex!

Uh-huh. Great. Anyway...

The point is that when you or I get mad, we experience a rush of adrenaline, a release of catecholamines, elevated heart rate and accelerated respiration.

Boom!

See?! You thought I was just some stupid boy toy, but you gotta admit, I just dropped some serious science on your ass!

You did.

Despite what everyone was saying behind our backs, Cyn wasn't just with me for the sex. She also had tremendous respect for my intelligence. At least that's what she told me when we were having sex. Which we did a lot.

Super. Can we get back to the AI's?

Yeah. OK. So all that physiological stuff humans experience, the machines don't experience any of that. They can't. And believe me, Cyn knew a thing or two about anger. We fought like wildcats. And then... [smile] ...we made up.

With sex?

That's what I'm saying! Up top!

[I politely refused his request for a high five]

So why did Dr. Warner think that the AI's were so mad?

You're asking the wrong question, my friend. The real question isn't why they were so mad, but how they could get mad in the first place!

I thought the real question was, how do we get them to calm the hell down?

That, too. And that was an even bigger problem. Because in any animal capable of a fear-threat response, the arousal — and I'm not talking about sex here, although it was amazing. You wouldn't think so, Cyn being an academic and all, but man! She would bite me hard enough to break the skin!

OK, anyway—

I used to joke that she was a vampire. Except she didn't just want to suck my blood. If you take my meaning.

I think I cracked your code, yes.

She gave me blow jobs, is what I'm saying.

Mystery solved.

So yeah, the arousal of a human's sympathetic nervous system subsides eventually. But with a computer, there is no physiological reason for it to fade.

Can they at least learn to control their anger?

Doubtful. We humans have a prefrontal cortex which performs a sort of executive function and helps keep our emotions under control. But as far as we know, the AI's have no analogous cognitive construct.

Boom! More science! That's right! How do you like me now?!

So that's it? The robot war goes on forever until they destroy each other... and us in the process?

Well, again, if we were dealing with humans, I'd say they could learn relaxation techniques to counteract the activity in the amygdala, but unfortunately... [smiles] Hey, you know what might get an AI to relax?

[sigh] If you had sex with it?

That's what I'm saying.

You're disgusting.

It's what Cyn would have wanted. I tell you, that woman was a freak!