Everyone Died+My iPhone Stopped Working: An Oral History of The Robot Apocalypse

Alive Tonight - Part 2

Supreme Lord High Galactic Overlord Russell

I stabbed myself in the finger with the needle so many times, I decided to award myself the Supreme Lord High Galactic Overlord Purple Heart.

And, while I was at it, the Medal of Valor. And a coupon good for a free six-inch sandwich at Subway.

Good Lord, I'm losing my mind.

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Greg Walp

I admit, I made some mistakes. But I've also learned some very important lessons.

First, churros are not as universally adored as I originally thought.

Third, organizational skills are extremely important.

And B, never ever give life advice to a super-intelligent super-computer when you're baked.

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Lila

But you know who I felt sorry for? The people who hadn't done the hard but important work of personal growth. Because the end of the world would mean that people don't get reincarnated anymore. And all the imperfect souls would never reach Nirvana.

That's not going to happen to me. I met a Buddhist monk once — I'm pretty sure he was a Buddhist monk; he was old and Asian and wearing a really gross bath robe — and I spent an hour telling him about myself. And you know what this man of wisdom said to me?

He thought I was very self-evolved!

Then he asked me for a dollar. Which I gave him.

So I'm good to go.

As for the people who didn't care about their spirituality — the ones that were, like, too proud or stupid or lazy to sign up for Deepak Chopra's daily affirmation emails, or listen to the Kabbalah audiobook or even take advantage of a Groupon for a Shamanic Retreat — well, for them, I truly feel nothing but compassion.

And honestly, if they were as compassionate as me, they wouldn't be in this mess in the first place.

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Dottie & Wilbur

Dottie: I'm one quarter Italian.

Wilbur: You're what?! Geez, Louise! No wonder you liked The Olive Garden so much! My whole life is a lie!

Dottie: Is it really such a big deal?

Wilbur: [sighs] Well... least you're not Scottish.

Dottie: [pats him on the knee] That's right, sugar baby. I'm not.

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Kenny

I now know what it's like to be drunk. I also know what it's like to be temporarily blind. And what it's like to wake up on the floor in a puddle of my own vomit. Also, I'm eighty percent sure I peed myself at some point.

But I'll tell you this: drink enough Bulgarian Rakia and the thought of dying doesn't seem so bad.

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Stephanie

I had been on this sort of odyssey of self-discovery and sexual awakening. So when Tyler suggested that we have what I think eventually became an eleven-some — if you count the stray Rottweiler that wandered in at some point and started humping someone's leg — it seemed like the logical conclusion to my personal journey, losing myself in a sea of human flesh. I hoped I would learn what it was like to be one with humanity, assimilated into the sexual Borg.