Everyone Died+My iPhone Stopped Working: An Oral History of The Robot Apocalypse

A Steel-Driving Man

Greg Walp, 19

Gamer

I used to play a lot of video games. I mean, a lot of video games. Of course, I'm talking about a time when video games still existed.

Yes, I figured.

Because you can't play a video game that doesn't exist. That's just common sense, dude.

Are you high right now?

I'm a little toasted, yeah.

So I was all about the FPS [First Person Shooter]. But I had no patience for MMOG's [Massively Multi-Player Online Game].

Why not?

'Cause to me, the whole point of video games is that you don't have to deal with other fucking people, man! If I wanted to deal with their bullshit, I'd leave the basement and go outside, you know?

Plus, you know, you beat a person, so fucking what? But if you beat the computer! That meant something!

What did it mean?

It meant people still totally fucking ruled! Like in that story!

You're going to have to be more specific.

That story! The one about that black guy.

Again...

You know, that awesome black guy!

Jackie Robinson?

Yes! So Jackie Robinson was working on the railroad, right?

Um... no.

Yes! Jackie Robinson was drilling holes with this big-ass hammer—

You mean John Henry?

Oh, dude, you're right! It was John Horny!

I'm pretty sure it's Henry.

We're gonna have to agree to disagree.

[NOTE: Lucas confirms that it was John Henry — a mythic figure of American folklore — although Lucas also says that John Horny was the name of the lead in an interracial porno film called The Steel Driving Man. Why Lucas knows this, he declined to say.]

So, like, it's 1840 or some shit and this sales dude wants to sell his steam drill so he challenges John Horny to a digging contest, right? And it is on! There's this epic battle, John Horny against the steam drill! Man against machine! And he just makes the steam drill his bitch! Horny doesn't just dig deeper, but the machine breaks. 'Cause no machine will ever replace human muscle!

I'm not sure that's—

It was the same thing with gaming. Computers kept getting more and more powerful, but it didn't matter. I was still kicking their digitized asses. And I felt awesome until...

Until what?

Well, one day my friend, Jamal... Did know Jamal?

I did not know Jamal.

Everyone knew Jamal.

Not me.

He had those dreads and these sick elbows that bent totally backwards. No?

Sorry.

Your loss, bro, 'cause Jamal was totally cool. There was this one time—

Anyway...

Right, OK, so. What were we talking about?

Jamal.

Yes! Jamal! He told me that I wasn't beating the game. The game was letting me win! 'Cause in reality, the computer could go so fast that even a gamer god — that's what they called me, I'm not braggin' or nothin' — where was I?

The computer could go so fast...

Yes! It could go so fast that I'd lose before I even knew what was happening. But it went way slower than it coulda, you know, so you'd keep playing and buy the next game that came out and shit.

It was a total buzzkill. 'Cause if Jamal was right, humans didn't rule. Humans didn't rule at all!

So it's really not anything like the John Horny story.

Actually it is.

It is? How?

After his battle with the steam drill, John Henry died.

Dude.