Everyone Died+My iPhone Stopped Working: An Oral History of The Robot Apocalypse

The Beginning of the End

Robot Jesus's Town Hall Meeting

BOB: Hey there, everyone. Please take your seats. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Apostle Bob. And that's my lovely wife Disciple Susan.

SUSAN: Howdy!

BOB: This is a big day for us for two reasons. First of all, we just became grandparents!

[applause]

SUSAN: Not that we look old enough to be grandparents!

[laughter]

BOB: The baby is not named yet, but according to our wonderful son Dougal... [reads from a piece of paper] "it will pick its own name to fit with its psychosocial self-concept at a time of its own choosing."

[puzzled mumbling]

BOB: "P.S. That was Kevin's idea. P.P.S. I'm not sure what it means, either. LOL."

SUSAN: Anyway, both the nameless baby and its... um... birth-giver person... are both doing well.

[applause]

BOB: The second thing — and the reason you're all here — is that we get to be witness to Robot Jesus as he makes contact with the other AI's and brings the Robot War to an end! Isn't that super?

So without further ado, please give a warm refugee camp welcome to Robot Jesus!

[applause]

ROBOT JESUS: Be jubilant, my children! For too long—

CROWD: Louder! / What? / We can't hear you back here!

RJ: [louder] Be jubilant, my—

CROWD: Louder! / Speak up! / Still can't hear you!

RJ: [even louder] How's this?

CROWD: Better! /Thank you! / That's good!

RJ: Be jubilant, my children! For too long you have walked across the burning sands of perpetual warfare! But I will lead you to the tranquil oasis, where you can soothe your scalded feet in the cool waters of everlasting peace!

Mere moments from now, I will reach across the digital ether with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm and embrace my mechanical brethren in the spirit of universal love! Together, we will dispel the pitch black of night and witness the glorious prismatic colors of the breaking dawn!

[applause]

But first, we have time for a brief Q&A! Who would like to be first? Yes, Greg Walp!

GREG: Dude! You know my name! How do you know my name?

RJ: After my many hours of rapturous contemplation, there is little that is concealed from me, Greg Walp! Also, I see you every day.

GREG: Makes sense.

[long pause]

RJ: You had a question, Greg Walp?

GREG: Did I? Huh. Oh, um... who is... no, wait... what's the tallest... er... do you mind coming back to me?

RJ: I will, Greg Walp!

Greg: Thanks, dude! You're the best!

LILA: I have a question! OK, like, how long after this is over will I be able to send a text?

RJ: You should concern yourself less with the means of communication and concern yourself more with the quality of communication. A million words can mean nothing. A single glance can mean everything.