Everyone Died+My iPhone Stopped Working: An Oral History of The Robot Apocalypse

Brainy Ladies

Tyler Stevens

When we tell people that we are writing a book about the Robot Apocalypse, the question we are most frequently asked is: "Why doesn't someone just travel back in time to stop the Robot Apocalypse before it starts?"

(The second most asked question is: "Why is Lucas so pale?" Answer: Sunlight allergy and a diet consisting almost exclusively of Pringles potato chips and root weevils.)

Clearly, the time travel question is due to the popular Terminator movie franchise. My usual reply — "Maybe when you're looking for valid scientific information, Arnold Schwarzenegger films shouldn't be your first choice." — only seemed to make people angry, especially since Lucas usually added, "Duh."

So as a public service, and to avoid getting beaten up again, we decided to consult with an expert who could hopefully settle the question. We wanted to get in touch with theoretical physicist Dr. In-Sook Oh, but unfortunately she wasn't available due to injuries sustained falling down a not-at-all theoretical well.

The best we could do was to enlist the services of Tyler Stevens, who by a stunning coincidence, had spent the last fourteen months, in his word, "slipping it to her."

And to clear up any possible confusion, by "slipping it to her" he means "sex."

Hey, man. Great to be back. I'm a little surprised you wanted to talk to me again. I kind of thought you didn't like me.

[long pause]

So I gather you're close to Dr. In-Sook Oh.

I know her very intimately. Outside and in. Eight-and-a-half inches in, if you get my meaning.

I think I do.

I'm very well-endowed, is the point.

I'm happy for you.

You know who you should be happy for? Dr. Oh. Or as I like to call her, Dr. Oh-face.

Clever.

'Cause I made her orgasm a lot.

Thanks for clarifying.

With my large penis.

Super. So then. Time travel: is it even possible?

The scientific community is split, but Oh-face definitely believes it is. Or at least she did before the whole Well Incident. We'll know more when she comes out of the coma.

We wish her a speedy recovery.

I'm sure she'll be fine. She's used to being in comas. Although [grins] usually they're a different kind of coma.

OK, so—

Sex coma, is what I'm getting at.

Anyway... can the present be changed by going back in time?

Well, that depends on your paradigm. Are we adopting Novikov's assumption of only one accessible timeline? Or are we adopting Everett's "many worlds" interpretation of quantum mechanics?

Boom! Oh, yeah! How'd that taste, bitch? You just got a quantum boot in your general relativity ass!

OK, we get it. You know a lot about this subject.

I do. Oh-face liked to handcuff me to the headboard and read to me from A Brief History of Time. You don't think of theoretical physicists as being kinky, but man! Plus, she was always up for a threesome. Or as I call it, the double-slit experiment.