Everyone Died+My iPhone Stopped Working: An Oral History of The Robot Apocalypse

Alive Tonight - Part 1

I told everyone I could about the Final Countdown. In a way, it's a fitting conclusion to this project. It started with the survivors pondering their survival. Now it will end with them contemplating their end.

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Lila

So everybody was like, "Lila! Did you hear? The world might end at dawn!" And I'm all, "Sorry, but that so doesn't work for me."

Seriously, I'm supposed to be up at dawn? Like, what am I, a farmer? I see no reason why, if the robots are going to destroy the world, they can't do it at a reasonable hour.

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Lucas

When Mr. Rubicon told me about the Robot Countdown, I decided that the time had come to man up and just ask Stephanie out.

After all, I had literally nothing to lose. If she rejected me, so what? I certainly wouldn't feel any worse than I already did.

It was only when she rejected me that I realized that wasn't true. At all.

But it started out well. I told Stephanie that I wanted to spend the night with her. And I had the perfect words: "We are star-stuff. We are the Universe, made manifest, trying to figure itself out."

"Wow, Lucas," she said. "That was beautiful.."

"Thank you. It's from Babylon 5."

"Yes, I know. 'A Distant Star.' Season 2, Episode 4."

"So what do you say?"

From the look on her face, I knew what she was going to say before she said it.

"I'm sorry, Lucas, but I already agreed to have a three-some with Tyler tonight."

"I see."

"Well, it was gonna be a three-some, but a whole bunch of other people wanted to join us, so I think we're up to a seven-some now."

"I think anything after three is just an orgy."

"I guess. So... anyway... enjoy your night."

And I headed back to my room to spend what might be my last night on Earth having a sad one-some. I figured I'd use my non-dominant hand. Try to make it special.

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Dottie & Wilbur

Dottie: Were we worried when we learned we might die before morning? Ha! You know what people our age call that? Best-case scenario!

Wilbur: I am ready to meet my Maker any time. Just bury me next to my sweetheart in a whites-only cemetery and I'll be happy.

Dottie: [pats his knee] I know you will, cutie boots! But... there's something I need to tell you...

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Kenny Lee

Believe it or not I've never been drunk.

Although I did have a middle-ear infection one summer. I walked into things and fell down a lot. Wound up getting this scar when I fell on a rusty metal rake, but I've been telling women that I got it in a motorcycle crash. They're usually impressed.

When life gives you tetanus, make tetanus-ade.

Anyway, the Summer of the Rake-Face was the closest I've come. Not sure why, exactly. I always figured I'd get drunk at some point. I suppose I was waiting for the right occasion. I guess it's like losing your virginity; the longer you wait, the more pressure there is for it to mean something. You don't hold off for thirty years and then say, "Fuck it, I'm going to throw one into the Denny's waitress with the unibrow and just get it over with."