Everyone Died+My iPhone Stopped Working: An Oral History of The Robot Apocalypse

Traitor of The Year

Banyan Bradford

OK, when we left off in your story, you were leaving the to join "the robot side." Tell us about that.

Well, I had left the refugee camp and was walking on the road. Night was falling and I was exhausted, on the verge of collapse.

Sounds intense. How long had you been walking?

A couple hours.

That's it?

Well, I had just spent an entire day locked in a pillory. That's very tiring. I definitely should have taken a nap before I hit the road. Maybe changed my pants, too, now that I think about it.

Well, you'll know for next time.

I guess. Anyway, just when it felt like I couldn't take another step, I looked up... and I saw it!

What?

A sign!

Like a religious sign?

No, like a regular sign. A billboard. It showed a good-looking ethnically ambiguous man and a great-looking ethnically ambiguous woman with a hefty helping of cleavage. They both had their arms around a robot. They were smiling like, "Check out this robot! He's pretty cool!" and the robot... well, it couldn't actually smile, but its body language said, "I'm just chillin' with my human homies!"

And there was a slogan. Team Shirlé: Let's do this!

Catchy!

And I knew right then, I needed to follow the light.

Like a godly light?

No, like a regular light. A searchlight. A few of them, actually, pointed at a building in the distance. As I got closer, I saw that it was an office building. Everything around it had been reduced to rubble, but it was completely intact.

I went inside, but I didn't see anybody. Just a large lobby made of marble. There was an unattended security desk. Behind it was a sign instructing applicants to go to the top floor and ask for Nancy.

That was it?

There was also a smaller sign saying they didn't validate parking.

Typical.

I stepped into the elevator. An all-cello version of "Eye of The Tiger" played as I was whisked to the top floor. And I couldn't help but feel like everything was finally turning around for me.

At the reception area, I saw a woman behind a desk. She was wearing a headset. She looked like she had gotten her first secretarial job in the '60s and hadn't changed her hair style or her clothes since. She looked like someone had held her upside down and dipped her head in a bucket of varnish. But in a good way!

"I'm looking for Nancy," I said.

"Well, you found me!" She gave me a big, warm friendly smile. And I swear, I could have burst into tears right then and there.

Why?

Because I couldn't remember the last time anyone had smiled at me. Except when they were pelting me with stuff. But Nancy couldn't have been more welcoming.

That's sweet.

I told her that I was looking to join the robots and dance a jig on humanity's grave.

That's... less sweet.

Nancy said, "Wonderful!" And then that smile again. Like a hot chocolate hug from Mom. "So I'll need you to fill this out." She held out an iPad. And she turned it on!