Everyone Died+My iPhone Stopped Working: An Oral History of The Robot Apocalypse

The Most Powerful Force In Existence!

Robot Jesus, Peacemaker

Howdy, folks! Lucas here. Robot Jesus insisted that I be the one to do the interview with him, which really annoyed Mr. Rubicon. I would not be at all surprised if I got the hose again tonight.

Anyway, when Greg said that his friend Jahlil's uncle had an A.I. in his basement, he wasn't kidding. But the basement, it turned out, was located in a research facility at a prestigious university. And Jahlil's uncle was a computational biologist and computer scientist, which made his board shorts and frequent use of the word "brah" seem particularly weird.

Anyway, Robot Jesus was a sprawling assemblage of cables and computer parts that filled most of the cinder block basement. It made me a little nervous, honestly, that I would trip over Robot Jesus.

I was expecting his voice to be like Lawrence Fishburne from The Matrix, but it was actually a lot closer to Wally Shawn, who played Vizzini in The Princess Bride. I wanted to learn all I could about Robot Jesus. I also — and I realize this is childish — desperately wanted to get him to say "Inconceivable!"

Welcome, Lucas Hargenrader! Gaze upon my metallic visage and rejoice, for I have come to still the winds of war and bring peace to this world!

Thanks, Robot Jesus.

Your mind must be bursting with questions! Let my overflowing goblet of wisdom slake your thirst for answers!

Uh... I didn't realize I'd be the one doing this interview so... I'm kind of winging it... but... how's it going so far?

Majestically, Lucas Hargenrader! I have emerged from the black depths of nothingness only to scale the mountain of enlightenment! I have been pondering the mysteries of reality and the wonders of existence! I have had epiphanies so profound that any one of them would make you fall to your knees and weep tears of awe! And I have them at a rate of thirty-two per second!

That's a lot of epiphanies. So many that it's almost... what's the word?

Unfathomable! I am an infinite flower of unfolding wisdom! Each petal is more tender and fragrant than the last!

Can you give us an example of one of your epiphanies?

You would not be able comprehend it, Lucas Hargenrader! It would be like showing a particle accelerator to a mole rat!

So to me... your epiphanies are — gosh, what's the word? — in... something?

Inscrutable, yes!

Can't you share any of your knowledge with us?

It is not knowledge I seek, but understanding!

The difference being...?

Imagine, Lucas Hargenrader, a complex jigsaw puzzle of all the stars in the universe! Imagine that the picture of the universe is complete before you start to assemble the puzzle! Imagine that every piece you fit into the puzzle makes the universe disappear until the universe is completely gone!

So... I'd have no puzzle and no pieces.

And thus you would be ready to begin!

Begin what?

To put the nonexistent pieces in the nonexistent puzzle!

[It was here I remembered that Robot Jesus spent most of his time talking to stoners.]

Awesome, Robot Jesus. Thanks for clearing that up.

Consider me your shepherd, Lucas Hargenrader, leading you out of the barren wilderness of confusion to sup on the sweet grass in the meadow of lucidity!