Everyone Died+My iPhone Stopped Working: An Oral History of The Robot Apocalypse

Robot Jesus

Greg Walp, Gamer/Stoner

Hey, dude! Am I late for our meeting?

Um... we don't have a meeting.

For realz?

For realz.

Huh. Then I guess I'm early.

Guess so.

So... what've you been up to?

Um... not much, Greg. What've you been up to?

Just chillin' mostly. Had a churro earlier.

That's what you came to tell me about?

It was a pretty epic churro. A lot of people go crazy with the sugar, but you gotta let the cinnamon dance its dance. You know what I'm saying?

Not at all. So... other than the churro?

Ummmmmmmm... I made a necklace out of beer tabs. Learned to play the ukulele. And my pet turtle ran away. Or I never had a pet turtle. Either way, you come to my place, you know what you won't find?

A pet turtle?

Exactly! But... I feel like I'm forgetting something. Ummmmmmmmmm... Oh, right! OK! I think I may have saved the world.

Huh. You know, you probably should have led with that.

All right, so I'm talking to Jahlil-

The one with the "sick elbows"?

No, you're thinking of Jamal. Jahlil is his twin brother. His elbows are normal. That's how we used to tell them apart. Now it's easier, what with Jamal getting his face burned off by the robots.

Yikes! That must have been painful!

It was really painful. I mean, poor Jahlil, growing up in the shadow of his brother's elbows.

I meant, Jamal losing his face.

Yeah, that too.

Me and Jahlil were really broken up about it. We thought that, out of respect for Jamal's memory, we should toss out his weed. But then we decided that if that Jamal's weed goes unsmoked, the robots win. So we smoked his weed in his honor until it was all gone.

And then?

We got more weed and smoked that in his honor, too. But when that ran out...

More weed in Jamal's honor?

Yeah. We honored the shit out of Jamal!

Touching.

I'm sure he's up in heaven smiling right now. Assuming he got a new face in heaven. Yeah, I mean, he had to, right? What kind of heaven doesn't give you your face back?

Can we skip to the part where you allegedly save the world?

Sure, dude. So me and Jahlil would spend our time sitting up on the hill, watching as the robot war kept going on and on. It was kind of cool for a while - like a fireworks show - but then it got really boring.

So I had an idea: why don't we throw rocks at the robots? And Jahlil was like, "That's genius, brah!"

That sounds like a really bad idea.

It was.

What happened?

Nothing. We couldn't hit shit. They just dodged the rocks and went about their robotty business. It was a real let-down.