Everyone Died+My iPhone Stopped Working: An Oral History of The Robot Apocalypse

Bonus Chapter - Road Head

TRAVIS DUPONT, ELECTRICIAN, 42

Earlier, I had asked how it was possible that humanity, despite all the warnings, would willingly place their fate in the metallic hands of thinking machines. Well, Travis thinks he knows why.

Road head.

Excuse me?

You know, when you're driving down the road and some chick is giving you head.

Yes, I know what it means. I just don't know what it has to do with the Robot Apocalypse.

Everything! Why, I remember when my Daddy first told me about it — I couldn't have been much older than seven or eight — and it seemed just incredible! Toolin' down the open road, the wind in your hair, a face in your lap. Sounded like heaven to me.

Wait... how old were you?

I know it sounds inappropriate, but in his defense, he was really drunk.

All right.

So naturally, as soon as I got my license, I wanted to try it out for myself.

And...?

Well, turns out it's not as simple as it sounds. First off, not every girl you meet is keen on giving you a knob job at highway speeds.

Go figure.

But the bigger problem is that you want to sit back and enjoy the experience but you also need to keep the car on the road, and it's really hard to focus on two things at once.

So it was like... ahhhh, this is— Oh, shit! I swerved into the wrong lane! [MAKES SOUND OF SQUEALING TIRES] ... OK, that's better... yeah, Bonnie, that feels so— Is that a cop? Sit up sit up sit up! Oh... that's just a car with a roof rack... false alarm... [MIMES PUSHING HER HEAD DOWN] Yeah, now we're talking, that' s so— Where'd that deer come from? [SOUND OF SQUEALING TIRES]

It's way too stressful.

And dangerous, too, from the sound of it.

It sure was! Over the years, I wrecked three cars, a couple of girlfriends, a fire hydrant, a taco stand and what I hope to God was a coyote.

Your insurance premiums must have been through the roof.

And that's not the worst of it. One time, I needed to get three stitches on Mr. Happy. That was a real low point. Truth be told, I started to wonder if chasing the road head dragon was even worth it. I probably would have given up altogether, but then! Along comes Elon Musk, and he's all, "I'm gonna build a self-driving car and make your road head dreams come true!"

So you actually believe that the only reason that Elon Musk started his company was to facilitate road head?

Of course not. He was also working on space head.

Space head?

Remember how he said he wanted to send people to Mars? Well, that's a six month trip! they would have to entertain themselves somehow, right?

I guess.

The man was a visionary! And it wasn't just him: Google, GM, Toyota, Nissan, Apple, Mercedes, everyone was in the road head game.

That seems wildly implausible.

We've had cars for a hundred years and they worked great. Pretty much anybody could get a driver's license and it's not like you need to be a genius to press on a gas pedal and turn a steering wheel. So why else would they bother with autonomous vehicles?

Maybe because, before self-driving cars, thirty thousand people a year died in auto accidents.

Yes. Mostly due to DWRH.

Driving With Road Head?

Right! And I should know better than just about anybody how dangerous that can be. If it wasn't for Elon Musk, I probably would have been just another DWRH statistic.

All right, but... what did this have to do with the Robot Apocalypse?

Like I said: Everything! You see, when you're speeding down a winding mountain road, leaning back in your seat with your eyes blissfully closed while your best — or at least most openminded — gal takes you to heaven, well, you learn to trust the machines. Who could have imagined that something that could create such happiness would turn around and cause such misery?

So the human race was lulled into a false sense of security because of road head-friendly self-driving Teslas?

That's right. And I have to say that, looking back... it was totally worth it. And I know that wherever my Daddy is right now, he's proud of me.