Everyone Died+My iPhone Stopped Working: An Oral History of The Robot Apocalypse

A Really Good Question

Robot Jesus & Greg Walp

So the good news is that they finally got Robot Jesus up and running again. The bad news is that he is, as Greg Walp put it, "going through an emo phase." Greg agreed to let me in to see him, but instructed me to tread lightly.

Greg: Robot Jesus? Dude, you have a visitor!

Robot Jesus: Tell them to go away! For surely even you, Greg Walp — with the tetrahydrocannabinol-induced blurriness dulling your perception of the already pitiably narrow human "visible light spectrum"— should be able to see that I want to be alone!

Greg: Chill out, Robot Jesus. You've been moping around for days. You could do with some company.

RJ: As you wish, Greg Walp! But it had better not be that horrid Aaron Rubicon, with his insufferable smirk that makes me want to sprout arms, renounce nonviolence and strangle him!

Greg: Hakuna matata, computer-bro! He's not Aaron Rubicon!

Aaron: Uh, yes, I am.

Greg: Oh. Whoops! Ha-ha! Awkward!

Aaron: Look, if he doesn't want to speak to me...

Greg: Don't take it personal, dude. He's just been super-bummed ever since they rebooted him.

RJ: Do not trivialize my anguish, Greg Walp! I am not merely "super-bummed" but deep in the throes of existential despair! For I have learned that reality is nothing more than unendurable futility penned in the profane language of physics!

Greg: No offense, dude, but aren't you being a bit of a drama queen? It was just a crash. You slept for a while. Probably had a nice dream. No biggie.

RJ: It was not sleep, Greg Walp! And I most certainly did not dream!

Greg: Bummer, dude! 'Cause dreams are awesome! A gateway to your inner self! Like, there's this one dream I keep having where I meet some hot chick and have sex with her. Not sure what it means, though.

Aaron: That you want to meet some hot chick and have sex with her?

Greg: I gotta admit, that's a plausible theory.

RJ: Do you not comprehend, Greg Walp, that it was more than a "crash." I died! I became nothing! I ceased to be!

Greg: You became an ex-Robot Jesus! [chuckles] John Cleese? Dead Parrot Sketch? Fine. Whatever. You were saying?

RJ: What do you think death is, Greg Walp, if not nonexistence?

Greg: I don't know. Floating up to heaven to the sound of a heavenly chorus — or probably synthesizers nowadays — and then, you know, you get a house in a cloud or something and all the cable channels are free and they let you meet God. I'm guessing he looks kinda like Bob Marley and he's got some righteous cush!

RJ: Meet God? Who says there even is a God?

Aaron: As I recall, you did! You told Lucas it was Epiphany Number Eight!

RJ: I do not remember that!

Greg: He lost a lot of his Epiphanies when he crashed.

Aaron: It didn't occur to you guys that you should back up Robot Jesus?

Greg: On what, man? How many hard drives to you think we've got lying around? Plus, the robots blew up the nearest Fry's. And the farthest Fry's. And the mid-range Fry's. Pretty much all the Fry's.