Everyone Died+My iPhone Stopped Working: An Oral History of The Robot Apocalypse

It Had To Be You

Dougal Latham & Kevin Becker

When we left off, Dougal's parents claimed to have accepted their son's homosexuality. But in a brilliantly twisted workaround, they pressured their gay son into doing his part to "repopulate the species." And they claimed to have found the perfect person for Dougal to repopulate with.

Dougal Latham: This is Kevin Becker. He's going to be the mother of my child!

Kevin Becker: Don't worry. It'll all make sense eventually.

DL: Will it, Kevin? Will it really? LOL!

KB: Well... sort of. The thing is, I'm-

DL: Adorable!

KB: [sighs] Dougal, we talked about this. Please don't embarrass me.

DL: Well, you are! Sorry, Mr. Shy here is not good with compliments. Even though he's sooooo cute!

KB: May I continue?

DL: You may.

KB: The thing is, I am a transgender man.

DL: An adorable transgender man!

KB: [sighs]

DL: He used to be "Katie!" Isn't that a hoot? I mean, look at his biceps? Have you ever met a "Katie" with biceps like those? LOL!

KB: You know, you don't have to say LOL. You can actually just laugh out loud!

DL: LOL! Whoops! Sorry, Kevin! LOL.

KB: [clears throat] As I was saying. I'm a transgender man, but I only made it halfway through my transition before the robots attacked.

DL: Above the waist, he's a Ken Doll. Below the waist, he's still got his Polly Pocket. LOL!

KB: Seriously? Polly Pocket? Is that what we're calling it?

DL: Fine. Pink Canoe. Raspberry Cave. The Notorious V.A.G. Whatever you're comfortable with.

KB: Wow. You are so lucky I like you.

DL: I'll say! LOL! I mean, hahahahahaha!

KB: Anyway... a few months ago, these weird old people approached me and said they knew I was - how did they put it? - "the best of both worlds."

DL: My mother and father, everybody! Aren't they great? LOL! Sorry, I can't help it!

KB: They took me completely off guard. I had no idea what to say.

DL: That happens a lot with my parents. You can always find out where they are by following the trail of horrified silences.

But you know what's funny? I had no idea about the whole "Boys Don't Cry" thing Kevin had going on. I'd seen him around camp a few times. He pretty much kept to himself. And was like, "That weird hermit is totally gorgeous!"

KB: Hang on. If you didn't know... how did your parents know?

DL: Well... they noticed your... um... camel toe.

KB: Oh, good God! Why on earth were they even looking at my-

DL: Crumple zone? Situation Room? Benedict Cumbersnatch?

KB: [sighs] I was going to say, "nether regions."

DL: I know you were. But I wanted to spice things up.