Everyone Died+My iPhone Stopped Working: An Oral History of The Robot Apocalypse

The Girl With The Boobs

Stephanie Hsu, Animation Artist

I'm not going to lie to you people. This chapter is filler. Essentially, we're all holding our breath, waiting to see what happens when Robot Jesus finally makes contact with Sean and Shirlé and either saves or destroys humanity.

Place your bets!

In the meantime, though, I am doing a somewhat off-topic interview at Lucas's request.

Here's the back story:

A few days ago, Lucas and I were taking a walk outside when suddenly Lucas got all excited.

He said: "At the risk of sounding like R2D2 when he realized Princess Leia was being held prisoner on the Death Star: I found her! She's here! She's here!"

And I said: "What the hell are you talking about?"

And he said, "OK, technically, it was C3PO translating for R2D2, but—"

(Nerds, man. Nerds.)

"No, I mean, who's here?"

"The girl! The girl with the boobs!"

I looked in the direction he was pointing and it was indeed a girl. With boobs. As advertised.

So. Remember when Lucas escaped from his cage and wandered around for a while? Well, as you'll recall, during that trek he met a girl who let him "play with her boobs" then ran off, breaking his heart. He never even found out her name.

This was her.

I suggested to Lucas that he talk to The Girl With The Boobs but he didn't want to. First off, he's painfully shy. Second, she unceremoniously dumped him. And third, he was in his cage — I had recently attached wheels, which made moving him around a snap — and he assumed, correctly I think, that women don't typically find that attractive.

Lucas begged me to interview her, under the guise of getting her opinions about the Robot Apocalypse, to discreetly find out if she liked him. And, if so, to see if she also liked him liked him. It was all very high school, but I figured it would be a welcome distraction.

And here she is...

I never thought of myself as a workaholic, but I worked all the time. My job was all that mattered and everything on my bucket list — meeting my soulmate, seeing the world, coming up with more items for my bucket list — would have to wait. I was like an office Nazgûl slavishly devoted to the Sauron of success.

Um... OK.

Then the robots came. They obliterated our studio, which went up like the shark in Jaws, complete with explosion and raining meat. I was literally watching my entire world collapse. And I realized: I could have died! I could have died in my cubicle! In that moment, I saw my life for what it really was. Someone had turned off the Matrix and — guess what? — there is no spoon!

[She goes on quite a long time about this. Long story short: Stephanie decided to live for today! And leaving everything behind except what she could carry in her Sanrio Hello Kitty Floral Style Backpack, she hit the road on a journey of exploration and empowerment! So let's skip ahead a bit...]

[flips pages in notebook]

...I came to a crystal clear lake and swimming in it was Tristan. Holy Frak! He looked like Chris Hemsworth in that deleted scene from Age of Ultron, minus the lightning!