Everyone Died+My iPhone Stopped Working: An Oral History of The Robot Apocalypse

Worse Than Stupid

General Leonard Russell

Not too long after Greg told me of his "tough love" talk with Robot Jesus, I got an urgent message that General Russell needed to talk to me.

Hello again, Colonel... I mean, General.

It's Supreme Lord High Galactic Overlord now.

Um... is that even a real rank?

It is if the Supreme Lord High Galactic Overlord say it is. And I say it is.

So you're just making shit up at this point.

In all candor, there's not much else for me to do these days besides thinking of new titles for myself. Also, I've been designing a new uniform.

Really?

Yes. I'm using a lot of sparkle vinyl black. Masculine, but still eye-catching.

Whatever floats your boat, I guess. So you had something urgent you needed to talk to me about?

Indeed. I am pleased and/or saddened to tell you that I have wonderful and/or terrible news.

Well, then I'm thrilled and/or horrified.

The Robot War is finally over.

It is? Since when?

Since the Robots stopped fighting.

Why did they stop fighting?

Because the war is over.

Of course. So what happened?

The third AI — so-called "Robot Jesus" — changed the paradigm. He resolved the conflict been Sean and Shirlé and now all three of them appear to be completely synchronized. Although honestly, we don't know quite how "Robot Jesus" accomplished it.

I think a stoner named Greg got the ball rolling.

What?

He told Robot Jesus that if he really believes that there is no point in living, he should just end it all.

You realize that can be interpreted two very different ways!

I'm aware. And Robot Jesus passed that on to Sean and Shirlé.

Well, that was very reckless of Greg.

It was. Which is surprising, because usually stoners are famous for their excellent judgment.

Anyway, for better and/or worse, a countdown has started.

A countdown to what?

Zero.

What happens at zero?

The countdown stops.

Are we really going to keep doing this ridiculous dance?

I'm just trying to be precise.

Maybe you could try being helpful instead. Because people will want a straight answer: is this the beginning or the end?

We don't know yet.

So what do we know?

We know that it's either the end of the end or the beginning of the beginning.

All right.

But even if it's the end of the end, we're really looking at the end of the beginning of the end, whereas if it's the beginning of the beginning, we're talking about the end of the beginning of the beginning.