Everyone Died+My iPhone Stopped Working: An Oral History of The Robot Apocalypse

The Asshole Who Punched That Little Girl In The Face

Banyan Bradford

Banyan, as you'll recall, was the Animal Rights Activist turned Human Rights Activist turned Most Hated Man On Earth. He had tried to prevent the Robot Apocalypse through an elaborate and quixotic ransom scheme, which massively backfired when he was videoed punching an adorable six year old girl in the face.

In the final days of the internet, the footage of me punching that little girl was a very popular meme. I was insulted, harassed, threatened. It's amazing how upsetting it is when you're on the receiving end of a wave of hate from invisible strangers. Worse, thanks to my infamy, nobody would even play Candy Crush with me anymore.

[Lucas gasped and said, "That's cold-blooded!"]

I know! All that money spent on Lollipop Hammers and Color Bombs down the drain!

So while I can't say I was glad when the Robot Apocalypse hit, I admit I was the tiniest bit relieved. Because I figured that people would finally appreciate what I had tried to do.

Which, as we know, they didn't.

Yeah, but I figured that with all that happened, they'd at least forget about me.

Did they?

Not at all. Every time I met someone new, they'd say, "Hey, look! It's the asshole who punched that little girl in the face!"

So I tried to disguise myself by growing a big, beard, but it just became, "Hey, look! The asshole who punched that little girl in the face converted to Islam!"

Nothing I did worked. It just became:

"...the asshole who punched that little girl in the face is wearing a trench coat and dark sunglasses!"

"...the asshole who punched that little girl in the face has a blonde wig and a cowboy hat and is walking with an unconvincing limp!"

"...the asshole who punched that little girl in the face is not fooling anyone in that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles mask! Plus... Donatello?! Lame!"

[Note: Lucas thinks Donatello is awesome. Figures.]

Why do you think, after all this time and all that's happened, they still hate you?

Look. If the first thing you learn about about someone is the worst thing they've ever done, that's how they'll perceive you. Remember Monica Lewinsky and her, you know, dealings with the President Clinton? Well, that's how America got to know her. Twenty-five years later, I say "Monica Lewinsky" and what' the first thing you think of?

Um, Presidential knee pads. Stained blue dress. A cigar in the... OK, I see your point.

[Note: Lucas's first thought was of her failed line of handbags, which he thought were quite stylish. Go figure.]

It's the same thing with me.

So... you're the Monica Lewinsky of punching little girls in the face?

I wouldn't say it quite like that, but... yeah. I mean, nobody cares about the 99.9999% percent of my life that was spent not punching little girls in the face. All they care about are the two times I did.

Well, that doesn't seem— Wait, two times? I thought it was once.

[sighs] There was an... incident at the refugee camp. But I swear, this one wasn't my fault!

Uh-huh...

No! Stop that! Don't judge until you've heard the whole story!

OK, so I was doing everything I could to fit in, trying to make myself useful, but nothing was working. Then one day, I saw a little girl playing by some trees. Suddenly, she starts screaming! I ran over to see what's wrong. Because I'm a good person and that's what good people do, right?