DISCLAIMER: These review/critique things are based on first impressions. I will NOT be reading the entirety of your book. My purpose is to urge my clients to learn something new about their story. (Though opinions may vary across participants.) Mayb...
Summary: After millions of species were killed, skies were no longer a heavenly blue, and humans tried to play God, Mother Nature had had enough with us.
A virus sprang up in Eastern Asia out of nowhere. It was lethal, and spread like wildfire in our polluted world.
It was soon in Europe then Australia. It wasn't long before it reached South America. North America closed its borders and prohibited the media from sharing how bad the infection really was. We all lived out our daily lives.
The American and Canadian government put together one last plan when they heard that the infection had now reached Mexico.
They took me, Lisa, and 24 other kids away from our homes and families without any notice. It wasn't until later that we understood how lucky we were.
Status: Ongoing @ the time of review/ Now Completed
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Starting Points: 30
Cover: Looking at it on its own, I like the cover. It makes me think the main character is strong female lead (yay), and this is probably going to be action-packed. It's not very outstanding, or ugly really. If I came across it myself, I probably would at least look at the summary. No points lost.
Summary: Well...I'm a bit underwhelmed. It's not eye-catching at all. It's not necessarily bad, but it isn't good either. Also, it's in First Person, which no summary should be in. But at least it's done properly.
Anyway, you kind of killed the mood of suspense and tragedy by giving way too much information. Also, the summary feels kind of forced. It seems more like a prologue in my opinion, and it doesn't really paint a good picture of what may come. The only conflict that is shown is the apocalypse. I suggest re-writing it or coming up with a different one. (-2)
Plot: Don't know where the story is going to even tell you the truth. (-5)
Opening thoughts:
-I already see errors in dialogue punctuation, BUT I'll let you live since you did say you wrote the first few chapters at age eleven. But I'm taking points off anyway for not re-writing it. (-3)
-The preview was very boring. It basically just repeated the summary and was pointless. You really could have just started the book with the main character. (-5)
-Her dad is annoying, no one lists things like that. He could have just said, "necessities" or even "things" would have sufficed. You could have saved me and everyone else the boredom. (-2)
-Learn to use "I" a lot less. It makes your writing very repetitive. (-3)
-The first chapter is littered with, "I did this," or "I did that."
-It's boring. I have the same problem with my writing as well. It's hard to not list things, so I'll be generous by only talking one point off. (-1)
-This chapter is dragging on, which is strange considering the fact that this should be a scene with a lot of panic, hurry, or some type of actions/emotions that show that they're in a rush and that portrays...tension? She seems like she's packing for a vacation. Does she even know what's going on right now? (-5)
-Spell out numbers that aren't three digits. (-1)
-I'm dying a slow death. (-1)
Dialogue: Sadly, there is this ongoing mistake, and it's incredibly annoying to see. You sometimes get it correct, sometimes you don't. (-1)
Proper dialogue~"Stacy...Stacy...Stacy!" her little brother mocked, repeatedly jammed his finger into her ribs. "Answer me! If you don't, I'm telling mom about what you did three years ago!"
Incorrect Dialogue~ "Touch me one more time Max, and I'll snap your stubby fingers in half," Jessica seethed, "say anything and you'll rue the day you were born, you fucking half-demon bitch!"
I hope that made sense--moving along.
Inconsistencies (if any): Haven't seen any, or maybe it's because I'm falling asleep. Save me.
Writing Style: It's very bland. It's not bad, but it isn't note-worthy. You have room for improvement though. (-1)
Likes/Dislikes: You're not a shitty writer, but you do need a lot of work. I hated mostly everything.
Grammar/Punctuation issues (if any, or if they're noticeable to me): There was a couple of grammar mistakes. Some sentences were really choppy and didn't flow well. It was still readable though, but I highly recommend in finding an editor...
Where you need to improve:
-Descriptions.
-Emoting more emotion into your characters (especially for this type of story).
-Showing instead of telling.
-Dialogue punctuation, and dialogue in general.
-Spend a lot more time on planning where you want your book to go.
-Character development. All I learned about the main character was that she liked to draw (I'm assuming), played soccer with friends, and her dad liked listing things. After skipping to chapter four, somehow she knew how to handle a gun. Amazing.
Why/When I stopped reading: After the first chapter. I tried chapter two and even skipped to chapter four, but alas, it was even more confusing and boring.
Gummy Bears or Dust: You get...........................................................
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