Brutally Honest Reviews™

Onyx City Gods (OT/RR)

Word Count: 3994

UPDATES: The cover has been changed since the review. Score has changed. 

Title: Onyx City Gods

Genre: Noir Fantasy

Blurb: 

~OLD BLURB~

A jaded hitman searches for his missing ex-girlfriend. 

~NEW BLURB~

In Onyx City, a crime-ridden metropolis, it's hard for good people to make a living. Lonely cynic, Darius, has to survive being unemployed because he'd rather be jobless than earn money by doing something illegal.

Unable to pay rent, he agrees to deliver a cargo container to a local kingpin. However, when the shipment starts begging for help, Darius allows one humane impulse to divert him from the orders. His change of heart ends with him gaining the gift of immortality, causing crooked cops, heartless gangsters, and power-hungry gods to hunt him.

In order to get them off his tail, he must quickly embrace his new culture as one of the supernatural.

Status: Ongoing

~

Starting Points: 30

Cover:

*Whines and flaps arms lazily*

-Eh. I do not like this. Well, that is a bit of a reach—simmer down, M. Let me rephrase: I am not sure that I like this as much as the previous one. Someone in the comments says exactly why it works better. The last cover feels like it belongs to the alleyway and that world, it seems alive and relevant (paraphrasing). This new one is too dark, and the text stands out unnaturally from the background, which gives it the appearance that it is suspended mid-air for no real reason except to tell the reader they are looking at a book cover. Sure, this is not a big issue but for what I have seen that has been established in this author's previous versions, it is rather important.

-This can work if the text is made to look like a hanging side sticking out from a storefront, but, as is, it looks weird and kind of boring. Suggestion: make sure to tell the cover maker to make something intimate that fuses with the scenery seamlessly, since this book accentuates that the city is an alive feature that coexists with its characters.

-It's not ugly, buttt, then again, since it does not work for me, I will dock a point in the name of principle. Boop! (-1)

Title: Okay, this title FINALLY makes sense! I did not say anything about this before because I assumed..well, whatever: The title looked like it was missing a preposition. I do not think in the last draft any of the chapters that I read ever self-referenced itself? So, me being a duck or probably out of it, never made the connection that the title is the name of the city in the book. I am not sure if my confusion is from my own doing or the author. Let us call it a draw! Anyways, no points lost because I still do like the title.

Blurb: This has walked out of blurb territory and straight into "summary-ville". I suggest to the author on reeling back how much information that is given here. I think stopping at "orders" for contextual plot information is a good place, then sealing it with a simple sentence that states that he must learn how to get accustomed to the new situation because of so and so. Other than that, this is a good blurb. No points lost.

Plot: Paranormal. Corruption. Urban. Paranormal. Corruption. Urban. —Need I say more? I think not!

Opening thoughts: