DISCLAIMER: These review/critique things are based on first impressions. I will NOT be reading the entirety of your book. My purpose is to urge my clients to learn something new about their story. (Though opinions may vary across participants.) Mayb...
Blurb: After the death of her parents when she was only nine years old, Makaela Moreau tried her best to escape the dangerous world of magic.
Fast forward twelve years, Makaela graduates college top of her class and joins the New Orleans detective agency. While working on a case, she meets an old friend from her past, someone she desperately didn't want to see. After this friend shows up on her doorstep, asking for help, Makaela is instantly thrust back into the world of magic. The world she tried so hard to escape.
After deciding to help her friend, who has stolen one of the famous 7 Magical Artifacts, the two of them embark on a journey to keep the artifact safe from a dangerous group of magicians known as the House of Thauvin.
Makaela must delve back into the world of magic in order to keep this artifact safe. If she fails, disaster will surely follow.
Status: Deleted
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Cover: The minute I saw it I thought of nerds (same goes for the title, I spent a good minute laughing about it). Lucky for you, I'm a nerd too. I think it looks really nice, it sets the mood for this word that you're going to build. It's great, in my opinion. (10/10)
Summary: It needs work like most summaries. I'm a perfectionist when it comes to my writing, at this point I can recite word for word of every chapter of my book—an exaggeration, but you get the point. Anyways, if I stumbled on this story on my own, I would definitely read on without a doubt. I have a pretty good idea of what's to come in this book. It's doing its job, so well done.
*Glances at tags* Oh my god there's werewolves and vampires in this...I'll refrain from judgment, only because I have read some well written few. No points lost (wow).
Plot: Magicians are being bad, and trying to steal powerful stones. I really don't know yet. Honestly, why is this even part of the review?
Opening thoughts:
-Nice start, although I was taken back that the setting is taking place in a very normal world. You mislead me. (-2)
Excerpt: She tucked a stray piece of her cinnamon colored hair back behind her small ears. Her curly hair never seemed to want to stay in place.
-*Sighs*
-If you really wanted to tell us the size of her ears, wait to do it in another sentence/time.
-No one cares that her ears are small. Do you care? Why did you even put that in there? (-2)
-Okay, I've been guilty of literally narrating a character putting lotion on for four paragraphs, so I'm not one to talk. Or arguing with my editors about a scene that was showing a character squeezing toothpaste out, for three sentences—it has been rough. Anyways, I'm getting off topic again.
The problem with that sentence is that you just showed us her tucking hair behind her ears, and then you felt the need to tell us something that we could have figure out ourselves! Where is the logic?! (-5)
-God, I'm only in the first paragraph.*sobs*
-Who said I wanted to know everyone's full names every time you start talking about them? (-1)
-Separate thoughts on their own. (-1)
-Stop telling us, and instead show what the characters are doing/feeling. Readers aren't idiots, so stop feeding us everything. After reading more of this chapter, I found out that you do it frequently. I suggest losing the habit. (-10)
Characters (newly added):
-The character development was subpar at best, but at least there was some.
-I think I like Elliot, only because he seems nice, and he appears to be sexually ambiguous, but I can't vouche for anything else really. At least not yet.
-Makaela's mom died and it was brought up pretty awkwardly. I just felt uncomfortable reading it (because I almost laughed, yikes), while it was supposed to be evoking a "sad" moment for the character and reader. Please try that again, because it wasn't executed properly.
- Besides from that, the only thing I know about Makaela is, she's biracial, that she likes to drink hot ass, and she thinks she's boring. Thanks. (-3)
Dialogue:
-It seems natural enough, but it's a bit boring right now.
-Some of your dialogue ran together, instead of being separated. It was confusing and awkward.
-Correction:"That man sure was something," Elliot mumbled, looking out of the window.
There was a short pause before he spoke again.
"He's probably great in bed. Lord knows you need a good lay," he laughed, grinning at Makaela (that's a bit redundant as well since you just said he laughed). (-1)
Inconsistencies (if any):
Some dude walked into the café, with a damn wand in his back pocket.
Lord. (-100)
I'm just kidding. I'm only annoyed. (+100)
But. Why. Didn't. You. Describe. The. Wand.
For all, we know it could have looked like a stick, the stereotypical wand with the white edge, or the Harry Potter-wand, dammit! Describe the wand! *Heavy Breathing*
In short, I'm severely underwhelmed. (-3)
Writing Style: It isn't bad, but it isn't noteworthy either. There are a lot more descriptions in your writing, except that you're describing character's physical attributes all at once. Yikes. (-2)
Likes/Dislikes: I'm not necessarily dying of boredom, but I am a bit disappointed on how average the opening chapter is. I don't really know what I expected to tell you the truth. At least, you're not rushing.
Grammar/Punctuation issues (if any, or if they're noticeable to me): Besides the dialogue errors, there are very few. So, thank you for loving yourself.
Where you need to improve: Showing vs. telling the reader's emotions and actions. You need to really work on that. Google is a great thing, and also Wattpad has tons of guides. It's a common issue for writer's, but you can learn to overcome the evilness of it. You can do this.
Why/When I stopped reading: You ran out of points before the first chapter ended, how tragic.
Gummy Bears or Dust: You get...................................
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