Love, Nina

Entry 12

ENTRY 12

I stared at my bedroom ceiling. I was high. That loser's cocaine was really good. It made me feel a lot better. It took all the worries inside my head. I felt liberated and flawlessly fleeting above the earth. I am no longer stepping on the soil. My feet can't even feel the ground. I am floating in mid-air and it feels amazing.

"So Matthew dear, make sure we'll love it. Just make sure. I'm tired of all the bullshit you gave both of us. You have to make it up." Sylvia said as she sniffed the last remaining cocaine in the coffee table.

"Of course, my dear cousin. You'll love it. I had it arranged from last month. Mom wouldn't even look after me so I was free to make the transaction. It was quite easy. By the way, there's no turning back. You're both booked." She just smiled.

"Of course, bastard. We know." She giggled and collapsed on my carpet.

"I feel horny." Sylvia said.

"God, woman! You're disgusting." Matthew said while lying beside me.

"I'm horny. That's fucking normal biznitches. Anyways, I got myself an Instax mini to capture every moment." Sylvia said while scrollimg on her Instagram feed.

"You're gross, Sylvia. God." Matthew whines again.

"Why not? It's my first time. I'm so excited."

"Sylvia, stop it. You're seriously disgusting." I told her. She just laughed. My room is soundproof thank goodness. I used to play violin in my room so my parents made it soundproof which is good whenever I watch porn.

"It's my dream. Being fucked by two guys. Who wouldn't like that? Damn. Make sure they're fucking blacks, Matthew." He laughed.

"Nope. Hot black men are all booked. I got you Spanish and Arabic I think." She frowned.

"What?! Oh no no." Sylvia whined.

"Bitch, that's all we get. Hot black men are booked this holiday. What did you expect? You sometimes have to use your head, Sylvia." I laughed really hard.

"I can't wait to be fucked by two men." I told them.

Accidentally, my legs brushed on Matthew's crotch. He's aroused by who? By me? I tried not to look at him since it's weird and all. He's also gay and my frigging blood. Damn. To break the ice, I teased him a bit.

"You're gross, Matthew. You're thingy is standing up." I told him while laughing. Sylvia seems to be sleeping soundly in the carpet.

He whispered to me. "Can I fuck you right now?"

"What?"

"I want to fuck you. I'm gay but hey, horny." He pulled me inside my closet and pulled down my briefs. He asked me to bent down. My hands are on the closet wall. Is this really happening? Did I just escalate?

I felt his throbbing shaft enter me. It's hot and huge. Didn't expect that. He moaned really hard. I can see Sylvia from the inside. She's snoring like a pig. She's drunk and high so she won't probably hear me gasp.

"Oh fucking bastard, faster." I told him. He grabbed my hair.

"God, you're so tight bitch."

"Oh I'm very much." I moaned and gasped at every movement he made. This forbidden thing is addicting and maybe it's what Teresa felt when he was screwing William. She probably felt the thrilling intensity of fucking your own blood. It has to be this.

"Ugh. Shit." He muttered. I felt swear on my forehead.

The night ended with me pulling him to the bed. He got so high and drunk that he would never even remember that encounter. I felt disgusted with myself because Matthew likes guys and I know that ever since. He was just trying to act like it wasn't true. He was also afraid that if people really find who he really is, they would stone him.

People judge like they knew everything. They judge those who are peculiar; those who aren't part of the normals. They want to isolate the peculiars by drawing a broad line between what's right and different. I would never consider us wrong. We're just different. It's not a fight between the light and the dark; it's breaking the barriers of stereotypes. We're trying to break that barrier and I'd fight for my right. All this stereotypes have to end. My cousins just wanted to be free from everything. We all just wanted to breathe from the start. We just all wanted to experience life.

I no longer want to be caged. I want to set myself free from all the norms and be peculiar.

I just want to be myself. I want us to be ourselves. I want us to live like we're dying.

Love, Nina