Love, Nina

Entry 31

ENTRY 31

Guess who I bumped into this morning. Come on, try it. Just think of someone I know who could've been in the same coffee shop William and I go to in the morning. He's someone I met last year.

Okay, it seems you can't.

Here it goes.

I met Lucas, the first guy I slept with when I got here at Dartmouth on my first term. I met him on Tinder and I can still remember him as the guy who smelled like fabric conditioner. I can't believe I would see him today. Well, my hair changed since I got highlights and it's four inches shorter than last year. I dress better now and I use makeup.

I acted like I don't know him at all, so I wrapped my arm around William while we are in line to get our caffeine fix in the morning. As usual, the coffee shop was packed with students who needed waking.

He saw me and he acted like he doesnt know me at all. I looked at him like trying to recall if I met him. Of course, my acting skills are honed perfectly in times like this. After all, I'm a great liar. I mean, my acting right should win an Oscar's. I've been practicing since forever so don't get me started with acting. I'm like Kate Winslet.

"Babe, you want muffins?" William asked me while checking out the available food in the counter. He looks really good in his plaid shirt and black jeans, paired with grey Adidas sneakers.

"Hmmm... just get me a cinnamon roll, please." I smiled at him and he mentally listed our orders.

"Just cappuccino for me, non-fat milk and a cinnamon roll please." He handed the cash over to the cashier and I can feel Tinder Lucas stating at me with such intent or maybe it's just my wild imagination. He's still acting like he doesn't know me.

Stop over thinking, Nina. This is not good for you. Your boyfriend is getting you a cinnamon roll and he's in love with you. Why would you ruin this perfect setting? Maybe Tinder Lucas isn't really staring at me. Maybe it's just my imagination. It has to be ny imagination.

I'm not that pretty anyway, so why bitch about it? Maybe he's looking at somewhere else and not me?

"Babe, are you okay?"

"Yeah, just a little tired. Why don't we find a table? Oh... why don't we just eat this in the car?"

"Nah, let's eat here. I love the smell of coffee, come on."

Since I can't resist his pout, I agreed and sat somewhere far from Tinder Lucas. God, I wish I never used Tinder. It's just full of horny people looking for some cheap screw.

I feel dirty.

"Do you want some black coffee?" He asked. He sat in front of me with his messy hair. His hair is just so fluffy.

"Why don't we skip school today?" I asked him. He just giggled and ate his bagel. He mustbe surprised to hear me talk like a real college student.

"Why are you like this? Is something wrong? You never skip school. You love classes, Nina."

I'm running out of words. The skeletons inside my closet are trying to get out. How can I stop them from ruining me? If... I should've been more honest, I wouldn't have any of problem at all.

"I'm just feeling a little lazy today. I wanna just lie down and sleep. I don't feel like studying today." I told him.

"Someone like you would be tired of studying? You're the queen of academics." I rolled my eyes at him.

"Just queen of academics?" I rose an eyebrow and he smiled. I like it when he smiles. There's this energy that beams from him that makes me feel warm and giddy on the inside.

This makes me feel more afraid than ever? What if all my skeletons pull me down six feet under? I'm scared. I'm scared that my past would ruin my reputation, my family and my... love for William.

I've never felt like this before. I was never like this. I was born to be fearless, not to be a coward. Why am I like this?

The soft look on William's eyes makes me weak. This man right here could be my future. He could be the very person who can pull me out of this whole mess. He could save me from the pitiful darkness I once was.

I held his hand and look at him straight in the eyes.

"Do you know that I love you? I'm glad Teresa made it this happen. You make me so happy that hurting you scares me." He frantically looked at me.

He placed his coffee on the table and squeezed my hands.

"Are you okay? First, you want to skip classes... and now you're acting very weird." I just gave him a faint smile and took a deep breath.

"I will tell you soon. I have a lot of things you need to see. I want you to see the whole of me. I just hope you're not..."

"Stop it, Nina. Your flaws are what I wanna see. I'm no saint, love. You should be more honest with me. We're not made to be perfect, so stop getting scared. I'm tainted and that's what I want to tell you when... I feel ready. I have so much to tell you. Please, let's be stronger than this? Can we be stronger?"

I don't know why but tears started falling from my eyes.

I've never cried because of so much happiness.