Love, Nina

Entry 32

ENTRY 32

There are things I can't tell here in my journal. You see, I'm busy and most of the time, I spend it with my boyfriend. I know it's very irresponsible of me. This journal keeps me sane. I am able to think with a better sense of judgement because I can thoroughly think things through.

I'm still a nosy and curious about Monica Hatton's death. I want to know who really made her that way. It's obvious to me that it's my Physics professor but... the pattern doesn't make sense.

Why? First, Prof. Simmons isn't platinum blonde nor her brother. I read a poem she wrote that this guy she loves has a hair of 'blinding gold'. The line says 'your eyes are like precious emeralds I want to adorn myself with'. Prof. Simmons has grey eyes, Raymond's eyes are blue. Sorry for that, I had to consider incest because... well, William had a thing with Teresa.

Hmmm... a blonde guy with green eyes. Who could it be?

I tried hacking onto her previous mails, previous social media accounts and someone with that description popped out.

Josh Decker, Katie Decker's brother. She's that student who's part of the fencing team. She's currently Prof. Simmons' girlfriend whom he claimed that he loves very much. Wait, this is really fucking tangled. I thought... well, she was begging of Prof. Simmons to not ditch her. She must be trying hard to separate Katie and Prof. Simmons so she can avenge her ignored affection.

Oh, was she really trying to hurt Katie?

I looked through even more and I found out that Josh is happily married. But what's the connection?

And there it is.

When Monica was still in her freshman year, she met Josh Decker who's a senior that time.

In the photos, they seem to be just plain friends. He's not showing any signs of interest towards her at all, though I can see her affection towards him through her eyes.

Monica, what is this? Why are you so complicated just like me?

Will I... end up dead like her?

A tear escaped my eye. I can see myself in her. I can see my deceptive self playing the good girl to her parents. I am that same girl who chose to please her family with excellent scholastic performance. I am that girl who has a lot of talents to please the public.

Just like her, I crave recognition. I crave all the credits. I crave all the... attention. I crave of my mother's approval, because I know she'll be so disappointed if I lack in some of things.

I know of it. She will probably disown me if ever she learns of my immorality. I have a lot of things that I need to hide, but they're slowly getting out no matter how hard I try.

I closed the lid of my laptop and finished the cup of coffee on my table.

Jackson is still here, feeling helpless because Trisha seems to be... getting colder. Well to her defense, she highly thinks of him. She sees a huge potential on him and I agree. He's a smart guy with grades that could land him a very good career.

"So, are you okay?" I asked him.

"Yeah. She's getting warmer now. Maybe she's just stressed with graduation and all the deadlines. I... misjudged her. It was wrong of me." He blew a smoke and I covered my nose.

"Why the hell do you smoke here? And can you just open the window?" He just giggled and opened the window.

"I'm sorry, I don't know why I feel at ease with you. You're so cool and chill but extremely intelligent. I saw your name on the board yesterday. You're on the top, the second one's kinda far behind you."

"Well, it's not actually a surprise. I study till my nose bleeds. I study till my hands are no longer capable of writing. I do the extremes. Why? It's not to please my parents. It's to show people that desperation and hard work can get you the glory. I have the glory and I love it." He looked kinda surprised to hear me say those words.

I stood up and heated myself a panini sandwich in the microwave oven.

"You know, you're right. If you desperately work hard to get something, it's yours no matter what happens."

I seem to agree with him.

"Hey, have you heard about Monica? The girl who committed suicide? She's pregnant. God, that's really messed up." It kinda startled me. The public knows what I know and... well it confirmed the doubts in me.

"The guy probably can't take responsibility so she ended her life. It's really something that happens on some cases like that. I would never abandon the mother of my child." He added and crushed the cigarette butt in the trash can.

"No one was born righteous, Jackson. What we all have is just reputation. We only care about our reputation. We never had any fucks to give, right? Monica's personality was just probably weak." I told him.

He remained silent, like he didn't expect someonw like me to be... so cold. I wasn't warm and inviting to begin with. I sat on my bed and quietly ate my panini.

It's as if I said something wrong for him to act so awkward.

I ignored him and I just finished my food and lied down.

The silence was deafening. It was terrifying.

Why? Because people are starting to see the real Nina.

Love, Nina