Love, Nina

Entry 26

ENTRY 26

It was around 12 noon when I found my roommate's boyfriend, Jackson, sleeping on her bed with beads of sweat on his head. He was murmuring a lot of things on his sleep and it bothered me a lot so I tapped him to wake him up. He had a nightmare.

"Nina? God, it's you. I'm fine don't worry about it." He got up and wiped the sweat on his face with his sleeves. He quickly drank a glass of water and sat back on the bed.

"Are you alright? You were sweating so hard. You were talking in your sleep. You were having a nightmare. Are you sure you feel well?" I told him as I fixed my books on the desk. I placed my jacket on the chair and sat to finish ny homework in English lit.

"It... was my dad. It's his death anniversary and I didn't go home because I can't accept that he's really gone." His eyes started to water and he clutched on his chest like something inside pained him.

"I'm sorry for your loss." I told him. He just bitterly smiled and leaned on the wall as he lit a cigarette from his pocket.

"It was a sudden death. He was just helping out an old lady cross the street when this guy came out of nowhere and hit him. I wanted to kill him at first, but I can't. He was in a hurry because his wife was about to give birth. I can't... blame him." He covered his face and cried really hard. I don't know how to comfort someone like him.

It also would seem inappropriate if I embrace him or such. So I decided to take out one of my hidden gems inside my cabinet.

I took out a bottle of Jack Daniels and a crystal glass. I poured him half a glass and placed it on Trisha's bedside table.

"It's all I can offer. I'm really not good with people and emotions. You know that very well. I have a poker face plastered on me but... I can't ignore someone in pain. So here, drink this and sleep again. Trisha will be-"

"She'll break up with me... I know it. She hates this part of me. She hates me if I'm lonely. She hates it when I talk seriously. She hates the half of me. Would you hate your boyfriend's dark side? Whenever I'm down or in such a bad mood, she would curse at me. She would say that I shouldn't share her my pain. She said that."

I sighed. I sat on my bed and faced him.

"I'm not judging Trisha but I think it's part of the package. No one's living the dream. All of us has dark sides, we just don't acknowledge it. If eveyone lives in Disneyland, so you think these bad things will happen? No, it's because fantasyland is just plain bukkshit. Talk to her and tell her how you feel. You are insecure that's normal." He just cried hard.

"If... she leaves me, I don't know what will become of me. I can't go on without her... or without someone. I don't know what to do. Fuck, I still have to do my thesis." I smiled at him.

"Just keep it chill and drink this. Okay?"

I don't know why a part of me is crying for him. My heart aches for him.

I never thought Jackson would be this vulnerable. I never thought of him as someone who would cry this hard. He's always been goofy and all fun that's why it surprised me to find him this broken.

I never had a death in the family and maybe that's the reason why his pain is just difficult to understand.

"Mom's disappointed I wasn't there to visit my dad. I just can't. I can't bear to see him as that grave. I can't accept that he's six feet under the earth. It feels so wrong because he just can't die like that."

Death is inescapable. It will become of me in time.

But his father's death was painful. It was unanticipated.

He emptied the glass and finished his cigarette. He lied down on the bed and faced me.

"You just saved me, Nina." Then he closed his eyes.

What is this feeling?

Love, Nina