A Symphony of Devotion: The Start [Demi Lovato]

[24] Athazagoraphobia

03/10/14

So, Dallas turned out to be your sister. Shocked at first, then not so much. I apologized and ran away, which, in retrospect, was a big mistake. I don't hate you. Not even in the slightest. And I don't blame you for hating me. If I knew me, I would hate me, too.

I close my notebook, sniffing as I wipe tears away once again. Then I let the black covered release fall from my hands and to the ground as I bury my face in them.

I miss her. I miss her more than anything in the whole world, but there's nothing I can do about it.

"I miss you," I mumble out loud, moving my hand away from my face long enough to lock my eyes on the polaroid on my palm through the dim light of the room.

I miss the taste of her lips. I miss the corny, flirty jokes she used to make. I miss the feeling of her in my arms when we slept together; how she'd hold my hand like our lives depended on it.

The depressive thoughts dissolve me into further misery, and I sit on the floor and cry for the next hours.

It seems like all I've been doing for the past week.

Get up. Think of Devonne. Cry. Go to school. See Devonne. Watch her pretend I don't exist. Cry in the restroom. Cry in the music room in break. Act as if I'm completely in love with Julian. Go home. Write in my notebook. Cry. Cut. Throw up a little. Cry myself to sleep. Grow more and more numb with every day that passes.

Sometimes Zack comes in. It's assumed that my problem is Devonne each time. I know it's scaring him. I'm acting the exact way I used to in Britain when I was getting bullied. Back then, all he could do was hug me and tell me I'll be okay, and that's all he could do now.

The light flicks on, and Zack wraps his arms around me. "Devonne?"

I nod, pain overtaking my facial features as I give a hiccup and let him take me onto his lap.

And I will try, to fix you.

.

06/10/14

Thanks for picking me last to be on your gym team today. It was fascinating watching you muse over picking the girl with crutches instead of me. Really fun. Even more so when I ended up winning the match for your team. Did you think I had it in me? Yeah, me neither.

"Hey, Julian." I smile tiredly, closing the book and hugging the boy when he approaches me.

My arms feel weary; my body heavy as I move it. Guess who got zero sleep last night? Yeah, it was me.

"I had so much fun with you on that date last night!"

Date? Oh, right, we went on a date. I forgot.

"Yeah, me too." I try to sound as excited as he is, but it only breaks my heart further to have to pretend.

"Are you still up for our date today? You look a little tired."

My eyes follow the back of Devonne's head as she enters a classroom, and I begin to struggle to hold my smile up. "Yeah, I'm good, I still wanna go for that date."

Julian helps me with my books as we head slowly for the classroom Devonne has just disappeared into. Then we stop by the door. "So.. I guess we're officially an item now?"

I can't help it. I rub a hand over my face, then will myself to return it back to my side before I smile as best as I can. "Yeah, I guess we are."

"Well then.." Julian leans in closer. "I'll see you after English." I don't resist when he leans in and kisses me.