A Symphony of Devotion: The Start [Demi Lovato]

[28] Thantophobia

Our lips have almost made contact when I suddenly wake up from whatever delusion had kept me mesmerized in Devonne's eyes, and dart back, my own growing wide with surprise and disgust at myself.

I hurriedly get to my feet, slinging my bag over my shoulder. "I'm so sorry." I avoid eye contact. "Fuck, I didn't mean to- Please don't tell anyone, okay?"

"Kenzie, come on, don't go." Devonne gets off the bench, but I head for the door, needing to move as far away as possible. Then her hand grips onto my arm. "Kenz, please. We still have to finish rehearsing. I promise, I won't try anything on you again."

Her hand is tight on my wrist, sending jolting pains down my arm when her grip irritates my cuts. I shake her hand off, my eyes already beginning to tear up. "You should have just kept on ignoring me," I mutter under my breath. "I have a boyfriend now, and I can't have anything with you."

I run out of the room, heading up the stairs and into a restroom stall as tears finally streak down my cheeks.

It's not fair. Not to me, or to Julian, or even to Devonne. It's not fair that love exists. Or hatred, for that matter. It's not fair that Devonne was allowed to play with my heart and then crush it entirely only to come back for seconds. Life shouldn't have to work like this.

My eyes drop to the white bandage beneath my sleeve, and my hands slowly clench into fists. I'd been clean for almost a whole week, only to have it ruined last night at the thought of Devonne.

Devonne.. She's both my problem and my solution. The person I want, can't have, and am probably better off without.

I force myself to stand when the bell rings. I have to talk to Julian. Tell him what happened. There may be a price to pay, but I ain't no lying cheater.

I find the boy at his locker, and tentatively reach a hand out to touch his shoulder to get his attention. "Jules, I have to tell you something."

He turns to me, smiling easily. "Hey, babe. How was class?"

"That's exactly what I need to talk to you about. Just keep quiet for a few minutes and let me talk, all right?" I pause to allow for objections, but none come. My eyes flitter down to meet the ground, but I force myself to look up at Julian. "Devonne showed up in music today," I say slowly, as my fingers play with a loose thread on my sleeve. "I was sitting at the piano with her, and then.." My voice drops to a whisper. "And then I almost kissed her. Almost." I repeat, my gaze locked on Julian. "I wouldn't have, I swear, but we almost did, and then I ran out and she was trying to chase me, and.." I stop suddenly in my flurry of words, those weak tears making their appearance once again. "And I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

There's silence for a minute, and then the bell for the next class goes off. Julian kisses the top of my head, gives a half-smile, and quietly says, "I have to get to class. I'll see you later."

And then he's gone.

I feel sick to the stomach as I start for my next class, a throbbing headache beginning to pound against my head as I take my seat in the class.

It's freaking me out how Julian reacted so calmly. He should have yelled at me, told me how I'd broken his trust, said that we shouldn't be together. But he's done nothing of that sort.

I don't deserve him. Not now, not in this lifetime, not ever. He deserve someone smarter, someone prettier, someone more whole.

One tear runs down my cheek. Then another. And then I'm stuffing the sleeve of my hoodie into my mouth to contain the silent sobs that threaten to wrack my body.

The next hour seems like the longest one I've ever had to endure. When I finally get out of class, I head straight for the limo. Lucas doesn't ride it back with me anymore. He's started to hitch rides from the school's football players.