Baby May

Struggling

Once again, this chapter is very heavy on the depression front and very dark contains a scene on a suicide attempt. Please do not read if you'll find this triggering.

February 2002

By February Alyssia is a shadow of her former self, she hardly speaks in school, she just sits with her friends and lets them do the talking. It's not much better at home, but at least they get an answer to their questions if they ask one.

The February half-term coincided with the Winter Olympics and instead of avoiding it as Brian advised her to, she watched the figure skating events every time they were on, torturing herself with the fact that it's not her there.

Brian came home from a meeting one day to find Alyssia laying on the sofa, knees pulled up to her chest, blanket around her, watching the women's individual skating finals, "That could have been me," She mutters, a single tear slipping from her eye.

He's not sure if she was meant to say it aloud, "It could still be you, one day."

Alyssia scoffs, staring at the TV screen, "Yeah right. Katie should focus on getting Vicky there, I'm a lost cause."

"She's been like that all day," Anita whispers, pulling Brian into the kitchen, "I tried turning the TV off she just got up and turned it back on."

Anita thought Brian had been bad with his depression but compared to their daughter, Brian's was a walk in the park.

If they can just get Eva removed from the picture Alyssia stands the chance of recovering fully this time, but until they have grounds to get rid of her, they have no idea what to do.

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The next day is a Sunday and Brian has planned a day out with Emily and Anita is working, so Alyssia is spending the day at Roger's.

Roger asked Alyssia to give him a hand in the studio, Brian has asked him to try and get Alyssia to talk. The drummer thought it would be easy but now, he's starting to take that back, understanding what Brian meant by it's like talking to a brick wall.

"How's school?" He can't believe after the conversation in the hospital a year and a half ago that Alyssia is back in a bad way and worse than before.

Before she was starving herself yet it was easier to fix, but this is some none of them can figure out.

It's not her being a moody teenager, this is mental. She is struggling and has completely shut down on the world around her. She shrugs and he sighs going into the booth to drum, he uses it to think.

The entire time he's drumming, she just sits staring into space, it's like the saying the lights are on but no one is home.

The scary part for him is it seems like those lights are slowly going out one by one as time goes on, he's very worried that there's not many left.

Coming back out of the booth, he tries again. Wiping his neck with his towel and he sits beside her, "Your dad told me you haven't been to skating in a while, is there a reason?"

She shrugs again, but he gets a few words with it, "I'm crap." Her words are accompanied by tears sliding down her face.

"Now I know that's not true," He puts his arm around her shoulder pulling her into a hug, "You're a good skater, yes you had a fall on the ice and yes you missed out on going to the Olympics, but so what. Falls make you stronger and the Winter Olympics happens every four years, you just need to get back out there a try again."

For a moment he's not sure if she's going to say anything but then he hears it, the quietest whisper and he freezes, "I don't think I'll be here in four years."