To Do List (gretson)

Bliss

...

Carson breathed in and out slowly, the last couple of days had passed like a blur, she had faced Charlie and confessed her love for Greta, and they had been inside a vehicle for almost forty hours since leaving New York on Sunday morning. Then she got to Lake Valley, faced Charlie yet again, came out to her father, introduced her girlfriend to him and her sister, and now Meg was telling her their mother had called. The woman who left them when they were only ten and twelve. The mother she had recently seen in New York, who had told her she was never meant to be a mother in the first place. She thought she would never hear from her again, and now Meg was telling her she had called, what was that all about?

"She called?" Carson asked, confused.

"She did," Meg answered, shifting on the kitchen chair. "She tried calling our landline Saturday, huh, multiple times, dad thought somebody was trying to prank him, and I was here on Sunday, so I picked up the phone for him, and she said hello when she heard me and I knew it was her right away."

"Her voice hasn't changed at all," Carson mumbled.

"So she told me she s-saw you and wanted me to know she was s-sorry for not being who we needed her to be and for g-going away," Meg stuttered, her eyes welling with tears.

"Meg," Carson whispered her sister's name and reached for her hand, "please, don't cry."

"I won't," she said, a single tear running down her cheek. "This isn't about her, actually, but about us. I..." she was still figuring out what to say, "when she hung up I thought, fuck, this huge thing happened, you saw her, and you didn't call me to talk about it, and it's not even your fault, because I've been a shitty person to you half of your life, and I feel so guilty about it. Because you're... you're not her," she choked a bit, there was so much she needed to say, the words just got stuck in her throat, together with the desperate need to cry, "I... now I can see that. You stayed... You stayed even though you were unhappy and I didn't see it, I didn't really want to see it, I was always asking myself when– when you'd finally pull a Ronit and leave us for good and when dad said you were out of town, I thought, this is it, there she goes, but you– you came back, you're here, and I feel like the worst sister in the world. I– I don't even know what I'm trying to say here. I'm– I'm so so so sorry, Carson. And thank you, for not just leaving, thank you for coming back, I swear to God I'll help you with the divorce, every step of the way, I'll move your stuff myself, you don't even have to go there, Jesus, I can't believe I've been so awful to you this whole time, you couldn't even open up to me about being a lesbian, fuck, I hate that you didn't feel safe to do so, I hate it, and myself. But I love you, Carson, I love you so damn much, and I fucking miss being your big sister."

So that was why. It wasn't only her father who thought she had so much of Ronit in her. Meg felt the same, and pushed Carson away and hurt her to make sure she wouldn't be the one getting hurt. Carson hated Ronit for a second, for causing such trauma. Then she hated her father for saying she was like her again and again, and Meg for not trying to talk to her, and then herself for not pushing a bit harder and working on her relationship with her sister. But Ronit had called her and that was the thing that pushed Meg to talk to her, and her father had just stood up for her like a superhero, and Meg had just apologized and said she'd really be there for her from now on, and she missed her big sister.

"God, I missed you," she cried out, pulling Meg up from the chair and into a tight hug, "I'm sorry too."

"You've got nothing to be sorry for," Meg said, her hands clasping Carson's shirt, "I'm sorry for putting wet sand in the chocolate powder can and telling you to make yourself some chocolate milk when you were eleven."