Baby be Mine

Chapter 16

[Mic]

It takes a few more weeks than I estimated to start moving Nancy into my parent's room. The home inspection came and gone, the relief of that passing immense. I kept bringing up the room swap to Nancy but she kept putting it off. She never said it outright but I suspected she was reluctant to use my mum's room.

The time had come though to clear out their things. Over three years is a long time to hold onto their room. Leaving it just as my mum had the day she left. The door remaining closed since the moment Amelia and I came home after we got the news.

Til now it felt like I was losing them by getting rid of their room. Like I was kicking them out of my life. But I realise now that my memories of them are my connection. The room is an unhealthy shrine to people who will never use it again.

The room deserves some energy. The house needs some life in it. I need to move on.

Seeing as I wasn't in work today, I decided to head up there and start organising. Armed with black bags I made my way upstairs.

"What do you up to?" Nancy asks, coming out of the bathroom. Elsie down for a nap.

"It's time Nancy, I need to empty out mum and dad's room."

"You don't have to worry about me."

"Nancy, they're gone, they're stuff staying here isn't going to change that. I need to do this." I say earnestly, looking Nancy in the eyes.

Swallowing a lump in her throat Nancy nods. "Okay, where do you want to begin."

Opening the door to the room causes both of us to pause for a moment. I may be portraying to Nancy that I'm fine but that's not to say I didn't have to pep myself up to do this. The stale smell adding to the depressive scene. Items without owners.

"Right," I say, finding the ability to move my feet again. "First things first, opening a window. Let's get some air flowing in here." The window was a little stiff from disuse but I managed to get it open. The smell of crisp cold autumn air helping to clear my head to the task ahead. "Right, let's start with clothes. One bag for charity one for the bin. Nobody wants to re-use dad's old crusty boxers."

Nancy chuckles weakly, a little misty eyed. She really needs to stop or she's going to have me going. Damn my throat is burning, should have brought a drink up. Taking another breath of the fresh air I move to the chest of drawers.

Dumping all their underwear in bin bag is easy, it's when it comes to their tops that I start to struggle. Images of them wearing them come storming in my mind. Bringing memories along kicking and screaming. Dad's favourite work shirt, his going out shirt, his dorky dad shirt. Mum's comfy in-house shirt, her going to town shirt and her favourite nicked from dad shirt.

Nancy grabs me as I try to hold it all in, allowing me to let it all out. I cry in her arms for what feels like forever. Feeling Nancy's tears hit me as she holds me tight. It feels like Nancy's grip on me is the only thing keeping me together. It's been years since I've been held like this.

I haven't let myself cry since the funeral. Feeling like I needed to be strong now. Without my parents to hold me like this I needed to hold myself together. I just wanted them to be proud of me. They were such amazing people; I want to live up to their legacy. Yet it's always felt like I'll never make it even half-way to their level.

I'm incredibly lucky to have the house. To have had Amelia to keep me out of care. I know other children would have had it worse. Dad was one of those children. Raised in the foster system, never knowing who his parents were or having a stable home to grow up in. He had a rough childhood. Yet I still feel cheated, and on the back foot.