Sinful Despair

➩𝐁𝐥𝐚𝐝𝐞

Tw: Self harm
Song: Cigarettes out the window - TV girl
𝐋𝐢𝐥𝐲
𖤓𖤓𖤓

"Sleep well, Tesoro?"

Shock evolves through my body as I watch the man I tried everything I could to keep out of my apartment sitting right in-front of me.
How did he even get in? He must have broken in through the door or something..

"I- Uhm.." I rub my eyes, the tiredness from my nap making me feel woozy.

He stands up and I think my breathing stops working when he walks towards me, he gets so close that there's practically no space in between us as I look up at him.

His height also makes me eye level to his crotch, not very pleasant.

When I nervously look away his hand comes to my chin, grabbing it harshly so that I'm looking back at him.

"What." I spit, trying to move my face away from his hold.

"If you're going to try to keep me out of your apartment you're going to have to try way harder then that, tesoro." He smirks.

I freeze when his hand moves to the side of my head, tucking a strand of hair away, revealing the old ugly scar I have. His jaw tightens when his eyes scan it, like he's trying to figure out what happened without asking.

"It's nothing." I gulp, shoving his hand away then standing up.

"Doesn't look like nothing." He says, not moving as I take a few steps away from him.

"Why do you care?" I turn to him but I don't have time to think before he's once again pinned me against the wall, this time without touching me but his large body makes me feel stuck in place anyway.

"Because I ha-" he stops himself, taking a deep breathe while looking away. "Just tell me." He looks back at me.

"Stop acting like you care." I grumble, my eyes locking with his.

"I don't care, don't give a single fuck actually" He barks, his expression darkening but I can see a glint of something else too.

I gulp, for some reason hurt by his cruel words but manage to suck it in. Why would I care what some random guy says to me?
"So why are you being such a bitch about it?"

"If someone did this to y-" he starts but I cut him off before he finishes.

"Stop acting like you're my fucking dad!" My voice loudens as my irritation grows.

He takes a step closer, caging me in even more then before, "we'll I'm certainly doing a better job then him, aren't I?"

I freeze. My mouth opens slightly in utter shock at his words.

My father left when I was just a child, he wasn't exactly a bad dad so I don't know why he left. No one does, not even my mother. His disappearance impacted my life drastically in every way possible and getting reminded of what it did to me is probably the worst thing imaginable.

He blinks, and I can feel a slight change of emotion before he puts on that emotionless mask once again.

"How.. how do you know that." I whisper, my voice soft and cracked.

Without another word he slowly backs up then leaves my bedroom, no sound of the front door is heard which means he's probably still in the apartment.

Once the realization of what just happens hits the rest of my body I slam a palm over my mouth, trying my best to contain my sobs. Tears flow down my check in an unbearable pace and I have to lay down in bed to keep myself grounded.

I bite my arm, digging my teeth into it until I can taste the metallic taste of blood.

My silent sobs continue for another couple minutes before I can no longer keep them in. I suck in a deep breathe, trying to get air into my lungs, the action causes sound to come along with my silent cries. I don't hold them in, instead I bury my head into my pillow, and cry.

For several moments I stay like that, for some reason a part of me wants him to come back in, comfort me and apologize. The other part wants to sneak out the window and set the apartment on fire, trapping him inside.

Once I become numb the urge grows, the painful and unbearable urge to open up my bathroom cabinet and slice the blade through my thighs, embracing the pain and the red streak that follows.

My eyes snap to the cracked door of the bathroom, and I don't get to stop my body before I've already started walking towards it, locking myself inside and take out the dangerous blade across me.

My hand shakes from the sinful memories that flash in my mind, memories of me laying in the bathroom with my thighs freshly cut and bruised.

I slowly sink onto the bathroom floor, sliding of my shorts. The bare skin reveals what must be hundreds of scars covering it, the scars that took me from my once happy self to the self that would slice through my soul because it's the only thing that makes me feel, the only thing that reminds me that there's something left inside me, a reminder that maybe, just maybe.
There's something left to save.

The blade is slowly guided to my skin, and I create the art I've been constructing almost daily for several years. I don't wince or flinch at the pain, not that I can feel it anymore, there's just a soft sting and then the relief of feeling alive once again.

This side of me is different, people see me as the happy and energetic blonde, that might be true a lot of the time however how other people see me is not even remotely close to how I actually am.
I pretend most of the time, not just to other people but to myself too, I don't know why, I guess it's just so that I can try to trick myself into thinking I'm okay, into thinking nothings wrong.

More scars evolve into my skin, more lines cover the thighs that once wore the pink unicorn skirt, the leopard printed leggings I styled with a purple dog t shirt without a care in the world what I looked like.

A lot of people hate the way scars look like, hate the way it makes them look, the way it reminds them of every time they layed on the ground feeling their happiness slowly drain from their tired body.

I understand them, summer is too hot without being able to wear a bikini, dating is too sad without being able to confidently undress in-front of a man.
Life is to fucked up to be able to love yourself if you're not perfect.

My scars show my story, every scar is a deep thought that raved through my mind, captured by the red line that coats my skin and never leaves.

It shows the fight that led to it

And the despair that continued it.

𖤓𖤓𖤓

Hi loves🫶🏻 This chapter was really hard to write which is why it took a while.

I can't log into my TikTok for some reason. They won't let me in so I won't be posting anything until it works again sadly 😭

See you next chapter!❣️