warnings: reader talking down on themselves, filled with angst/hurt
Cha Hyunsu was so good to you.
His touches were gentle and carefully thought out. He knew how to read your mood and he dealt with it well, never going too far but also making sure not to leave you high and dry. Hyunsu was considerate, and damn it, you loved it.
You loved all of it.
You loved the way he touched you. Your favorites were the smallest gestures. The way he would lightly put his hand on your back when he noticed you were upset about something, and how if you truly needed it, he would hug you so tight you couldn't breathe. But it wasn't uncomfortable or painful, it was needed. Sometimes you needed to feel that secure—tightly held against his chest with the false certainty that everything would turn out alright and nobody could get in the way of that.
One could never forget his voice. The sweet nothings he would whisper in your ear, so hushed that even you could barely hear it. But it was so peaceful, and for a moment, it made you feel like you two were the only people left in the world. Feeling such a way was... nice. Even if it was just for a few minutes, there was a certain bliss that came with the warmth of his soul and knowing that you had it all to yourself.
He cared for you so deeply that you often found yourself questioning how his fondness for you could grow to be so strong. You would think back on the countless nights he would stay up for hours to make sure you were okay, waiting out your moods with nothing but patience and worry. He never resented you for your emotions. In fact, he embraced them entirely. Your emotions were his, as he had once said, and heaven forbid that you go to bed upset because it would only hurt the both of you.
Cha Hyunsu was too good for you.
You were selfish. God, you were so selfish. How did he do it? How did he so effortlessly invest all that he had into you and your sentiments? You had tried so hard to put the pieces together—to understand—but even with your best attempts, you couldn't manage. Hyunsu would give up everything for you, so why was it so hard for you to do the same?
Your feelings were ugly and brutal, so harsh that sometimes you felt they would harm him. But he dealt with them so effortlessly and so graciously and so lovingly that you felt suffocated. Why did he have to be like this?
Why, why, why?
Things would be so much easier if he would just leave you alone and allow you to process things by yourself. Let you bury your feelings until they explode and you cry to yourself for hours on end questioning why and how you managed to feel so strongly with nothing to show for it. Absolutely nothing to show but an empty mind and a lonely heart, both so agonizing but so much easier to deal with than this.
This sense of guilt that you weren't sure how to overcome. He was so perfect, so patient. And you were not.
His kisses were always tender and shy, coming from lack of experience but making sure that you knew he was trying his best for you. He always looked at you with a sense of empathy that only a few could achieve. This empathy that he gained through terrible experiences, but he used it in a useful way because, in his mind, you deserved it.
The weight of your remorse was becoming too much for you to bear. He carried your overwhelming emotions on his back while masking his own with such ease. You knew there was something wrong, so why didn't you ask him about it, damn it?! It shouldn't be so difficult to hide your emotions just this once, mask them like you were able to do so effortlessly only months prior so you could focus on his feelings. You wanted to show him that you would love to reciprocate his endurance and regard.
But you didn't.
You broke and revealed your inner self once more, laying yourself bare on the table for him to see all of you. Your imperfections and those goddamn repulsive emotions that you would sacrifice everything for just to go away.
To no one's surprise, like always, he treated you as he does every time.
"I love you," you whispered with cracked lips. "I'm sorry."
His eyes made contact with yours, and the slight tug of his lips caused the corners to crinkle in a way that you adored. He looked at you with so much devotion it hurt. And then he kissed you, taking your breath away with a single motion. Even though they were chapped, his lips always seemed so soft in comparison to yours. His kisses never failed to hold passion and emotion. It was like he was breathing in all the feelings he had so desperately held inside each time and it was so beautiful—fulfilling, even.
When he parted, he simply brushed a strand of hair behind your ear that had somehow gone astray. Then he looked at you once more and nearly blinded you with that same smile. "Please don't ever apologize."
It made your lips quiver and you couldn't help but cover your eyes with your arm.
Love was truly a beautiful thing.
God, you thought. Why does he make you feel this way?
If you were to tell him how you truly felt, would he understand? Pouring out all of this emotion, going on about how remorseful you felt—how ineligible you were for him. Threads of complicated thoughts put into simple words falling out of your mouth, finally spilling the sentence you had been wanting to say for so long.
"Are you okay?" He reached forward to grab your elbow. Ever so gently, he tugged at it in a soft attempt to get you to remove your arm from your face. This only made your lip shudder more.
Hyunsu, you deserve so much better.
But you couldn't bring yourself to say it out loud. Your heart knew he would understand, but your head convinced you otherwise. This was an issue you had to work through by yourself, it was foolish of you to think that you could share it unwarranted.
Love was beautiful, but your character was not. Despite his past, there was a part of your boyfriend that shined so brightly. You feared that showing him too much would cancel out such a delightful feeling, so you swallowed the smallest tremble of your lip down and sat up straight. You forced yourself to look at him and mustered up the brightest smile you could.
"I am. Thank you."
With a slide of his hand down to your own, he faintly brushed your knuckles with his thumb. You shuddered at his touch, gulping down the lump that had unfortunately balled up in your throat. It seemed the deal was sealed.
Perhaps some thoughts were better off kept to yourself.
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