Teenage Love Affair♥

♥Chapter: 20♥

After that bad accouterment I had with Xavier back at the hospital, I couldn't feel any more depressed than right now. I felt like I drowned in a river of tears. I realized the mistake I've done is now permanent. I'll never seem to get back with my true love and I'm guessin he's through thinking about everything and me. I felt like a major loser. Why do things like this always happen to me? This ain't fair, and it ain't even fairer now that Jayda and Darnell are goin to spending the night here together, while I gotta see them. All I want is Xavier back, that's all I'm asking for. Now that Imani is doing better, he's all that I need to survive, but without him, my guilt will take me over for the rest of my damn life.
Jayda soon opened her door and we all crowded into her crib. I followed them to the kitchen since they bought some dinner and we all sat down. Trust me I ain't in no good mood, and I'm in no mood to eat either. All I want is Xavier.
"Girl, grab yo food, your goin to get hungry. I know you ain't eat yet." Jayda said taking out her and Darnell's food.
"I'm good." I said sliding my food to the corner of the table.
"Darnell, you sure you comfortable with havin Miss-don't-wanna-do-anything-around-here?" Jayda said pointing me out. She betta not get on my damn nerves.
"Nah, I'm good. I'm ready to eat baby." Darnell said grabbing his fork and giving Jayda a peck on the cheek.
I swear, God knows how much I don't wanna be in front of them! I've tried my damn best to compose myself to bein a nice lady around em' but shit, this is getting ridiculous. Jayda knows how much I'm in agony for Xavier, but yet she brang her dang boyfriend here. This only made me want Xavier even more now. But there's nothing I can do, he don't love me no more. Life is just damn unfair.
"Yay, I hope you like it." Jayda said.
"Of course I'll like it. Since it was your idea to get this, I'll even like it more."
"Aww Darnell, I love you."
"Now you know I love you more."
"Nahhh I love you more."
"Nope, I do."
"I do."
"I do"
"SHUT THE HELL UP!" I said getting aggravated. Damn it was like I was watchin some silly romantic comedy movie. And that only made me think of Xavier even more.
"Well, well, well miss attitude. Seems like you need a lil check up."
"You're not helping Jayda! Can't you see the predicament I'm in right now!? Tyrese is going to come chop my ass when I try explain to him why I ain't buy his clothes, and I still don't... don't... ha-have...have X-X..." I then started crying. I couldn't even bare to say his name anymore. I banged my head on the table and started pouring my tears out.
"Aw man... damn Camille. I told you Darnell can do something about your situation."
"Yeah, my dad's a police officer, there has to be something I can do to help you." Darnell offered.
"You don't understand! None of ya'll understand. He'll come get you all back! TRUST ME!!!"
"Well stop the tears girl! Just eat, it will calm you down." Jayda said.
"No Jayda. You can't tell me what to do. I'M TO DAMN DEPRESSED TO EAT! OR SEE YOU TWO LOVER BIRDS ALL OVA EACH OTHER! It sickens me."
"Camille, you need to learn that if your world is collapsing you can't make other people's world collapse too. You need to chill and learn to take peoples advice and-"
"JAYDA! Would you stop it!? YOU DON'T GET ME!! I do hear ya'll advice, but ya'll gotta hear me out to! I can't put your lives in jeopardy, he'll not only kill me, but kill ya'll too! And I'm just too damn fed up! I'm tired of not having Xavier around me and I just want happiness like you two! YA'LL JUST DON'T GET IT! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! I AIN'T EATING!"
"Camille... Darnell paid for your food now eat it!"
"Baby its okay she ain't gotta eat it if she don't-"
"Darnell, don't say that. You paid your hard own money for it, and she gotta eat it. Plus she ain't eat like this in days."
"Can I excuse myself?" I said ready to get the hell away from these two. I should have known better to come back here with Jayda and her boyfriend. I should have been back to Tyrese, as much as I hate him but at least I ain't going to see two people all over each other.
"NO CAMILLE!" Jayda yelled out, out of nowhere.
"What the? What the hell you mean 'No Camille'? You ain't the boss of me."
"Camille, I'm only tryin to look out for you. Just sit your ass down and eat the damn food."
"Pfft, who claimed you to be my dang mother!?"
"I'M THE CLOSEST PERSON YOU GOT CAMILLE! WHAT ELSE YOU EXPECT ME TO DO!?"
"You may be my friend but you AIN'T the closest person I got."
"Excuse me?" Jayda said in shock. And I don't give a damn how mad she gon' be. She started this shit and it's time for her to realize who she talking to. I thought we were besties again. But I should of known, you can never trust anybody but yourself.
"Girls, can ya'll settle this down some other day and-"
"SHUT UP DARNELL!" We both said to him.
"LISTEN CAMILLE... I ain't wanna fight with you girl. I'm your bestie. Hello? Remember me? Why you yellin for?"
"I'M YELLIN CAUSE I'M SICK AND TIRED OF YOU TWO AND I'M SICK AND TIRED OF NOBODY GETTING ME! NOT EVEN BOTHERIN TO FEEL HOW IT IS IN MY DAMN SHOES, YOU TWO SEEM SO PERFECT... Why do I gotta be here to ruin the whole picture?"
"Camille... what the hell you talkin about? Your makin no sense."
"I AM MAKIN DAMN SENSE!"
"LISTEN CAMILLE DON'T TRY TO PUT ALL YOUR BOTTLED UP ANGER UP TOWARDS US, CAUSE WE ONLY TRYIN TO HELP YOU!"
"WELL STOP HELPIN, CAUSE YOUR ONLY MAKIN IT WORSE!!"
"CAMILLE LISTEN TO YOURSELF!"
"NO!! YOU LISTEN TO ME!" I then quickly grabbed my food, threw it on the carpet, and stomped on it. I was fed up and I don't care how much Jayda raises hell on me for doin this, but she had it coming.
"WHAT THE!? WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR!?" Jayda yelled coming up to me. I knew she was angry now.
"ARE YOU STUPID? YOU AIN'T SEE WHY I DID THAT FOR!? I'M MAD AT YOU!"
"OH SO YOU MAD AT ME AGAIN!?"
"GIRLS!!! Would you please stop-"
"SHUT UP DARNELL!" We yelled again to him. He better quiet the hell down. Cause this is none of his damn business.
"DON'T TELL MY BOYFRIEND TO SHUT UP!"
"DON'T BE YELLIN AT ME!"
"DON'T TELL ME NOT TO BE YELLIN AT YOU, WHEN YOU BE YELLIN AT ME!"
"WHY DID I EVEN BOTHER TO COME BACK HERE!!?"
"I DON'T KNOW... YOU TELL ME!!!"
"I can't believe you said you're my friend Jayda... I really can't."
She soon sighed. I knew I was pushin her nerves, but damn, she was pushin mines too.
"Camille, listen I am your friend. I'm tryin to be nice and everything but you gotta just listen."
"NO!" I then shoved Jayda lightly and I knew that was goin to set her off now.
"WHAT THE!!? THAT'S IT!! THAT'S IT!" She than came running over to me and we started arguing and shoving each other like there's no damn tomorrow.
"GIRLS! GIRLS! GIRLS!!!!!!" Darnell said coming between us and pullin Jayda away from me.
We all soon looked at each other, like a tornado just hit each of us and me and Jayda heavily breathed in and out from our heavy fight.
"Seriously, get it together!" Darnell said.
"Camille... I think you need to go chill. Go lay down in my room. I can't deal with you now." Jayda said softly.
"MY FUCKIN PLEASURE!!" I yelled. I than stomped over to Jayda's bedroom and slammed the door locked, throwing myself onto her bed. I then started crying.
I can't believe the argument that we got into. I can't believe Jayda would treat me like this again. But most importantly, I can't believe I acted like that either.
I was just a whole emotional wreck.
I didn't even mean to throw the damn food on the floor, I didn't mean for our lil fight to escalate to this. I never meant for any of this to happen.
I just don't know what the hell came over me... I guess its true what she said though.
All that anger I got bottled up inside, it ain't good for me or for anybody around me. I just miss Xavier so much, I miss him to much. And the thought of not having him back drove me crazy.
I just kept on crying, crying, and cryin. I still wondered when I would ever get a break, or when I would ever find a way to try and deal with this, but I just don't know how.
I picked my head up from the soaked pillow, gently wiping my eyes but it was no damn use, I still kept crying. I was a fuckin wreak. And I hate the silence I have in Jayda's room. As I kept tried dryin my eyes, I spotted Jayda's stereo and I know she has to have some music to help me cleanse my thoughts, or at least music to help me feel better. I haven't listen to any music in a while, and my ears were beggin me to hear someone sing, hear someone cry about heartache, sadness, depression, lies, deceit and a troublesome life.
I turned on Jayda's stereo and started goin through some of her burned mix CD's she makes. I hope Jayda wasn't goin to get mad that I did this, but I couldn't live my life without any R&B music or something to help me feel a little better.
I went through about a dozen love songs, but one catched me in particular. It's old but to me old is gold and I knew this was one of my favorite songs from one of my favorite singers. 'Anytime' by Brian McKnight, and the lyrics hit me hard so much... that I began to cry again. I grabbed Jayda's tissue box and started to let the lyrics drown me over in my sadness:

♫I can't remember why we fell apart
From something that was so meant to be, yeah
Forever was the promise in our hearts
Now, more and more I wonder where you are... ♪

♫Do I ever cross your mind, anytime?
Do you ever wake up reaching out for me?
Do I ever cross your mind anytime?
I miss you ♪.

♫Still have your picture in a frame
Hear your footsteps down the hall
I swear I hear your voice, driving me insane
How I wish that you would call
To say...
Do I ever cross your mind, anytime?
Do you ever wake up reaching out for me?
Do I ever cross your mind anytime?
I miss you ♪.

♫I miss you...
I miss you...
(No more) loneliness and heartache
(No more) crying myself to sleep
(Don't want no more) wondering about tomorrow
Won't you come back to me
Come back to me, oh ♪

♫Do I ever cross your mind, anytime?
Do you ever wake up reaching out for me?
Do I ever cross your mind anytime?
I miss you ♪.

♫Do I ever cross your mind, anytime?
Do you ever wake up reaching out for me?
Do I ever cross your mind anytime? ♪

♫I miss you... I miss you... I miss you... ♪


After that song ended, it didn't make me feel any better, it only made me feel more worse about myself with all these flashbacks I kept getting of Xavier... I can't believe I would let the perfect guy of my dreams escape from me.
How can I be so damn stupid!!? I couldn't take this anymore! I just couldn't!
"I can't take this anymore..." I said to myself choking with tears. I didn't wanna be around Jayda or her boyfriend, I didn't wanna stay in the same building as where Xavier lived, I didn't even wanna be in this stupid ass neighborhood.
I knew if I was to leave now, it would be dangerous cause it's night time outside, and I know there's some crazy people out in my neighborhood at this time, but I don't give a damn. I don't wanna be around other people who put me down before, I just want to be myself.
After grabbing a couple more tissues and wiping my red watery eyes, I grabbed my shoes, quickly put on my coat and grasped my bag onto my shoulder. I wanted to get out of Jayda's crib, and I wanted out NOW.
I cautiously opened up Jayda's door slightly to find her and Darnell kissing on the couch, Ugh... this shit was disgusting, I couldn't bare to watch it, but I also couldn't bare to watch it cause it would only remind me of Xavier 10x more. Tears started developing on my eyes again and I had to make my way fast to the door without them spotting me. After getting out of the room, I softly closed Jayda's bedroom door and quickly paced my way out to the front door.
I didn't wanna deceive Jayda like this, but this girl had it coming. Don't take it the wrong way, me and Jay is still best friends, but sometimes you need a break from your girlfriend especially when your single and she's all up on somebody else.
I soon closed the front door and started heading out the building.
I don't know where I was gunna go, but I know I needed a walk to clear some things out my mind, and hopefully one of those things is Xavier.



It became 8:30p.m. and I was still outside my raggedy, shit hole neighborhood. It was hype outside. People were doing crazy shit like getting into fights, breaking things, and there was even a couple of shootings. But I didn't give a damn. Like I said, its always crazy at night, cause that's when the freaks come out. But I just ignored em and passed em, praying that I don't get shot or anything. But damn, it's a wild night out here and I'm not even that scared. But what I'm scared about is losing Xavier. That's what been on my mind periodically during my walk, and I still can't figure out a way to get Xavier back again. That fuckin bastard Tyrese been on my mind too, I bet he's highly angry over the fact that I ain't return back with his money, or with those damn clothes he wanted me to buy at the mall but I didn't give a fuck. I'm tryin to leave this nigga but it's hard to. He will go after me and everybody else I know. Tryin to make my life a damn living hell. But as long as I don't spot any of his members or him himself, I'm in the clear... for now.
It was cold outside, yet some people were throwing a lil get together in their beat up backyards or buildings ignoring all the other shit that was going down. It seems that if I didn't live in such a ghetto neighborhood, I wouldn't probably have this dang type of attitude, or this dang type of personality. Usually if you live in the hood, your strong, a survivor, and in most cases black. But that's just a stereotype, cause right now, I'm nothing but a black girl livin in a nightmare. I ain't strong anymore, and I don't know if I'll make it to become a survivor but all I know is that if things continue to keep falling and never get picked back up, I'll overbuild in stress and depression. Who knows what would happen to me? I don't know. But what I do know is that, having a broke heart that you gotta try and mend yourself, is no fun. No good at all. No shit to just leave to the side, you just can't. You gotta deal with these things, and I want to deal with it. But when I'm all alone in this type of problem its gunna take longer than ya'll think.
I love Xavier with all my heart, but that fuckin nigga Tyrese made me do the unthinkable, and It's already been done. I wish I could tell Xavier what Tyrese made me do, I would beg on my knees, and plead and plead to him that I love him so much, that I would even want a future with him, be his wifey and everything. But that's all thrown out the window, cause I messed this up and it all came from Tyrese, whose more a of a strong survivor in da hood than my own damn self.
Tears rushed down my flushed wet cheeks, and I couldn't hold them in anymore. I was and I'm still officially depressed. I just wish there was someone I can talk to now. Somebody, shoot... almost anybody except for Jayda, her boyfriend, Tyrese and some other people I highly hate. I feel like I'm in a world all by myself. That Brian McKnight song is still stuck in my mind. I wonder if I do ever cross Xavier's mind and if I do, why won't he at least try talking to me when I wanna talk to him?
Suddenly, I felt a tap on my shoulder and I didn't know exactly who It would be but I was scared. I was alone here at night and I know there some crazy ass people around here, but I had to turn around and see who it was.
I gulped and then slowly turned around to find... to find...
MY MOM!? MY OWN DAMN MOM!? HOW THE HELL DID SHE FIND ME!!?
"What the? What the... What... are... you... doin... here?" I said wiping my eyes quickly and sniffing up my runny nose, I know my mom is crazy like the other people out here, so I didn't wanna make myself look so bad in front of her.
"Hi... Camille." She said softly.
And she look more sick than ever.
Here face is pale, she was shaking consistently, she felt and looked cold and it looked like she was almost struck my lightning.
My fuckin God. What the hell has these damn drugs done to her?
But I shouldn't be feelin any pity or condolence towards her. What I'm feelin now is hate.
Pure oozing hatred all over my body when I saw this woman. I never thought I would see her now, but what I know for sure was that I didn't have time for her, or to help her.
I tried my damn best, but she never has.
And ya'll already know why I'm mad at this woman. No need for the explanation.
"Listen I ain't got time for this I'm still fuckin mad atchu leave me alone!" I said walking a little faster. I was in no mood to get angry. Why the hell was she botherin me here now anyways? How the damn hell she found me?
"Camille! Please wait!" She said struggling to catch up to me. It seemed like she twisted her ankle, but still then, I don't give to shits about it.
"Listen up, and listen up damn close, I ain't got time for you. I WILL NEVER HAVE TIME FOR YOU! YOU DID ME WRONG! YOU DID YOUR OWN DAMN SELF WRONG! CAN'T YOU SEE!?" I then continued on walking, but this woman still wouldn't leave me the damn hell alone.
"Camille! I was just walking around the neighborhood, I wanted to stop by... and... and... say hi."
"Hi? You wanted to stop by and say a fuckin hi!!? I DON'T WANT IT!"
"Camille!! Please, can we just... just... just talk?"
"ABOUT WHAT!?"
"ABOUT US!!!"
I didn't bother to reply I just looked her up and down. She disgusts me and I feel ashamed to have her as my own mother.
"Camille... you don't know what happen to me... you gotta just give me at least 5 minutes of your time I don't got much time anyways."
"What!? Just to go back and do more of that crack HUH?! IS THAT WHY YOU AIN'T GOT NO TIME!?"
"No Camille..." Suddenly my mom started crying and she started crying BAD. The same way I was crying when Xavier said he hate me and don't love me anymore.
"STOP CRYING!" I said. I was already in depression myself, why she tryin to make me feel even more depressed?
"I CAN'T CAMILLE!! CAUSE I AIN'T GOT MUCH TIME!!"
"YOU AIN'T GOT MUCH TIME FOR FUCKIN WHAT!? WHAT!?"
"FOR LOSING YOU!!!"
I froze. What did she just say? I was confused. She ain't got much to time because she's going to lose me? What?
"What you mean?"
"Camille... I ain't got much time till I lose you. Till I lose you as my daughter."
"What the fuck you mean? You already lost me. 3 years ago."
"Camille... I'm sorry..." My mom said choking with tears. She couldn't even contain herself. It was a sad scene to see.
"I heard a lot of sorries in my life... I don't wanna hear it."
"Camille... oh... pl-pl-please! I'm- I'm... beg-beg... beggin-beggin... beggin.. You-you...you-"
"Stop stuttering! Just damn talk!"
"Camille... I don't wanna lose  you... I really... really... REALLY don't wanna lose you... Can we please tal-talk, for-for a...b-b-bit?"
Suddenly, something made me change. Something made me feel like I had to have this talk with my damn mom. I don't know why, but I definitely know that It made me stop yellin, it made me stop acting mad and It made me become more softer and have some heart. Just to hear my mom talk. But I wasn't gunna give her all my time, I know Jayda is goin to get worried sick when she finds out I ain't in her room and I know she would go after Tyrese, thinking he kidnapped me or something, so it wasn't long till I had to go back. As much as I didn't wanna go back, but she was my best friend, I couldn't do her like that.
"Let's go sit at the steps." I said, leading the way to a small case of steps near a housing project.
We both sat down and my mom kept on shaking and holding her stomach as if she was in pain. It definitely made me a bit worried, but not worried enough to love her as a mom again.
She finally calmed down her crying and sniffed up her tears. She pushed her black train wrecked hair behind her ears, and her eyes were big, dilated, and red just like mine when I broke down and cried for Xavier.
She looked at me and it felt strange. I haven't made eye contact with my mom for a while, half of it felt good the other half felt awkward, so I looked back down at my feet. I just wanted her to talk to so I can return back to Jayda.
"Camille, thank you. Thank you so much for givin some of your time for me. I know how busy you must be... you must be so busy with your friends, your baby, your boyfriend... your life..."
I shake my head in disappointment. This truly goes to show how LITTLE my mom knows me anymore.
"I ain't got a lot of fuckin friends I ONLY GOT ONE ok? My baby Imani been sick for weeks and is STILL at the hospital ok? I AIN'T GOT NO FUCKIN BOYFRIEND ANYMORE!! Ok? And my life is UPSIDE DOWN! Ok? Don't be sayin shit that ain't true. I don't wanna hear it."
"Oh Camille... I'm sorry." My mom said starting to cry a bit again. "I'm so, so, so sorry for not understanding YOUR life. I never really was in it anyways..."
"Well that's for sure." I said rolling my eyes.
"Camille... you don't know how messed up my life is right now... it's terrible. I'm a dang drug addict! Don't you see me Camille!? I'm a damn wreck! I'm a shipload of wreck! You're my only daughter and I don't even understand how I got to wear I am right now! LOOK AT ME CAMILLE! Can't you see!? I'M A MONSTER! A monster! You got a monster for your mother! LOOK AT ME!"
I looked at my mom and I can truly see the pain and suffering she's been through. It's weird, cause I'm goin through some of that myself. But she put this on to herself. At least, I don't think I put my pain and suffering on to myself. Have I?
"Yeah I see you..." I said starting to feel sad again. I wasn't even mad anymore. I couldn't stay mad for long anymore, my depression always won my true personality over.
"Camille, I feel like I'm dying sometimes... I really feel like I'm dying... I've been a drug addict for almost 3 YEARS! 3 years Camille! I'm in such a bad... a bad condition that I don't know if I'ma live... I don't know if I'ma live Camille I just really don't-"
"NO!! NO!! NO!!!" I said getting fed up. She can't put this shit on me. I already got enough problems my damn self!
"Why did you ever even start doin this shit mom! HUH!?! CAN YOU ANSWER THAT QUESTION FOR ME!? Why did you think this was right... why did you think that you can get away with this? You can't get away with this! Most importantly... why did you think you could ever leave me? Huh? You would only take care of me till 15 and let me go like I'm so type of wild animal who can hunt, and fed for its own being!? You think that I'm so type of girl who knows the whole world, and that she can do things herself!? Well you know what... I'm still learning... I'm still learning and I'm still thinking towards the future and how I'm goin to take care of my own daughter with nobody to even love me anymore. But I don't need you. I never have and I never will!"
"Oh Camille... I just don't know what gotten into me. I'm a changed woman. I just became influenced to do this and now that I've been sober for three days it's hard... I still feel it... I still feel the need to have it in my system... Camille I never meant to hurt you... I never meant to give you this type of life... but I never realized what a strong daughter I have... and I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry."
As soon as my mom started crying... I then started crying. I can't believe my mom been fighting to get out of this addiction. I guess this is what she wanted to tell me. And I'm glad I heard it, but I still didn't feel quite comfortable with her yet.
"Mom... you didn't have to leave me... you didn't have to let other people make you do what you didn't wanna do. I've placed so much hatred onto you, I never wanted to see your face or talk to you ever again. You haven't ever said you loved me in years, you never seemed to be there for me when I was busy raising up Imani, which I'm still doing and you never fully UNDERSTOOD ME. I got a troublesome life to mom! And it's just to much to tell you! WHY DID YOU EVER LEAVE ME!! I NEEDED YOU MOM!!! I NEEDED YOU!"
"Oh Camille..." My mom said gently touching my wet face as I cried like a baby. I never thought I would be acting this soft to my mom like this, I thought I would give her a piece of my mind, but like I said, this whole depression thing was taking me over a little bit by little bit.
"I've been a bad mother Camille, I've been a real, real bad mother. I'm a loser. I'm a bad wife, a bad role model, a bad dang everything! These drugs circled my whole life into one setting, it enclosed my eyes only onto them, but it never let me get out and open my eyes to who's sitting, crying right in front of me. I just want things to be the same again... I wanted things to be the same way again so badly that... I even went to church."
I froze. My own dang momma goin to church!? SHE WENT TO CHURCH!? She actually believes in a God? Since when? I don't believe this shit at all.
"What!? What you mean? How can you have gone to church when you don't even know what's right and wrong!?"
"Camille... I have been a stupid and all the bad names in the book you name it. But one thing I know for sure was that goin to church would let me see the world in a whole new perspective. And this is exactly what I wanted to tell you Camille. I wanted to tell you that... I finally figured out what I was doing wrong, I thought a lot for the few days that I've been sober and trust me... still at this point I want it in me still, I still want it... but I'm fighting for it. I talked to people, I talked to many people. They sent me to church, and I felt the power Camille. I felt a lot of power that day. I felt the power to not let this type of drug or anything bad in the world to run me anymore. I want to run the real woman that's inside of me. But I'm afraid of how this will turn out to be... I'm afraid of what will happen to me. I'm scared Camille. I'm really scared."
"Mom... you don't know how much of a big step your taking. The only way you can fight something that's happening to you, is if you try realizing it and fighting it yourself."
"Oh Camille, what should I do? I don't know what I'ma do. I got no where to stay, no where to go, no where to be loved." She said crying again.
All of this information my mom just put on me, Is still a shock. As much as I still am a bit mad at her for leaving me, I knew that she didn't mean to, I knew it was just the drugs that took over her, but she was still here. This was the Loretta Edwards that I knew. This was the real woman I knew who gave birth to me, Camille Edwards. I'm just glad she's taking a step into becoming better.
"Have you seen dad yet?"
"Oh Camille, I haven't seen your dad in weeks. Maybe almost a month. But the last time I saw him, we didn't even bother to say one word to each other... I messed this whole marriage up Camille. I messed it up bad."
Tears kept running down my face as I saw my mom feel sadder than ever. I know she still loves my dad, that she loves me and that she's tryin her best to get over this addiction. It was complicated I know, especially about the part about how she can get back with dad and start anew again. I softly looked into her eyes and gave her a warm quick hug.
"It's not only you mom... both of you messed your relationship up. It's pop's fault too. Everything will be okay mom, I promise."
"I just wonder if he ever thinks of me anytime... I really miss him."
As soon as my mom said that, that truly hit me.
Not only did it remind me of the song I listen to back at Jayda's crib but it also reminded me of my broken relationship with Xavier, and the relationship I'm tryin to get out of now which is Tyrese.
I then broke down crying. I had enough with my mom tryin to get better now, my thoughts ran into Xavier. That's what broke me down now. And I couldn't help it.
"Camille! Please don't cry! Don't cry! I'll try my best to get straighten out. I will-"
"MOM ITS NOT THAT!" I said choking with tears. "IT'S WAY MORE THAN THAT!"
"What you mean Camille?"
"It's a long story... a very... very long story. I've been through so many ups and downs mom... so many that I lost count. It's to much to explain but... I'll tell you one day. I promise. But for now... I can tell you that... I once had a true love. I real, real, real true love mom. I loved him so much that I would do almost anything to have him back in my life, but I let it all go. All because of somebody running MY life for me. It's like he's jealous or something mom! And I just don't want anything bad to happen! I don't know what to do, but I just want my true love back. And just like you said before, I wonder if he does think of me anytime... cause I've been missin him more than ever... it's gotten so bad... that I'm soo severely depressed! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE!" I then slumped my head onto my mom's shoulder and started crying. 
She gently rubbed my shoulder and lifted my head up from her cold, sickly body.
"Listen Camille, I may not have the best of advice, I mean like... look at me... I need advice and medication myself. But one thing I do know is that if you want something, you gotta go for it. You can't quit. It's never good to be a quitter when it comes to situations like this. But for my situation I'm in for this drug addiction, I gotta quit. But you, I don't wanna see you quit at something like this. And I'm not quitting for your father's heart either. I know he's stopped drinking for a while now, and I know he ain't returning back anytime soon, but I ain't quitting. And neither should you. I once heard somebody say that you gotta shoot for the stars and do what your heart thinks best. Don't look at me as somebody to live up to, cause I've been bad. Real bad. I don't want you becoming like me. I forbid it. And I know you won't, cause you seem like you can be a smart girl. You may have made a mistake, but life is alllllllll about making mistakes. Or else, your not even living. Nobody is perfect Camille. I will never be perfect, you will never be perfect, nobody in this dang neighborhood will be perfect. But what I can tell you is that, always, always, always try to think positive. It will get you through a lot of stuff in life. Remember, the sky is the limit and whoever hurt you, they will get karma back to them in time. Trust me. And as for your true love, it's never to late my dear. Its never to late."
After my mom said that, I don't how she did it, but it automatically made me stop these damn tears from running down my cheek.
I believe that was the best advice I ever got my whole entire life.
The way she said those words, it seemed as if she was showin her real motherly self again after all these years.
I remember the days my mom and I used to be happy and do everything together till those evil drugs took her away from me. But now that she's tryin her best to fight this addiction, I see that she truly loves me and is only trying to her best to be here for me; the way I always wanted her to be. That's just one of the things I need in my life to get me back on track, to a regular normal me. And the talk we had with each other, it helped showed a little light, some hope in my life and encouragement to try and be happy. As much as my life is stressful and dramatic, I know there is other people out there who is goin through more tough situations than me, and I'm goin through tougher situations that others but that's just life, and just like my mom said, nobody is perfect.
I hugged my mom's shaking body again and this time longer cause I know she needed it and that I wanted to give it to her despite the way she did me in the past.
After giving her a hug, I soon examined her. Damn, she does look sick and pale more than ever. And I know my mom is a beautiful woman, but all these drugs in her system and the way she been treating herself, It did her wrong. I felt bad, I felt truly so bad, and I know I can do something to help her get back in track in her life.
"Mom, you don't know how much I appreciate your advice, and I promise to live it to the fullest to my best possibility. But right now, I gotta do something for you. I can't leave you like this!"
"Camille, as long as your doin good and you ain't puttin no shit in your mind, that's all I need. Now I need to get movin."
"No mom! No! Please listen to me!! I can help you!! My friend Jayda can help you! We both can help you! Please stay with me. I'm stayin at her place and I know she won't mind havin you there with us. Just please mom, we can help you. Don't go..."
"Camille, I ain't wanna get involved in your life with your friends right now. Plus I'm still under an addiction and I don't wanna do something bad on accident while my whole system is just not normal now."
"MOM PLEASE!! WE CAN HELP YOU! STOP SAYIN THAT!" I said pleadingly. As much as it would be weird to have my mom around, I didn't care. As long as I know my mom has a caring side and the power to get better, I will forgive her for all the things she would do on accident. I don't know what crack does to your body but I know for sure that it does you bad. But I'm willing to help my mom. Cause I need parents. I at least need her. I'm only seventeen. I can't live my damn life like this.
"Camille, I understand that you want me to be with you. But right now, you can't be around me and I can't be around you. I will put u at to much risks and I don't know how my body will react anytime soon since I haven't had any of it in three days and I don't wanna hurt you."
"But mom please, I don't care! I just want you! You can get better by being with me. I know you can."
"No Camille. I realize that in order to be myself again, I'm going to have to go somewhere and get cleaned. It's going to be very, very, very hard for me. But I'm goin to have to take baby steps and hopefully things will work out for the best."
"But mom..." I said as tears kept streaming down my face. "I don't want nothing to happen to you! I don't wanna lose you! At Jayda's crib there's TV, food, a bed, a shower and everything. You'll be fine here with us, we'll take care of you and-"
"Camille sssh! I don't wanna hear it. Thank you, but no thank you. It's not a good idea! What's best for me is to head somewhere, where they can help me with my addiction and become a better person like church or maybe even... rehab. I don't know yet, but what I do know is that I can't be around you. I'm very sorry."
As tears kept streaming down my face, my mom quickly placed a kiss on my wet cheek and forced a smile on her face.
"I love you Camille. See you soon."
"Mom wait!" I yelled out before she can walk away. I had to ask her this question, cause If didn't, I wouldn't feel comfortable letting her go.
As much as I wanted her with me, I agreed that it probably would be better to go somewhere where she can get medical help. But there was just one thing I had to ask her.
"What happen?"
"Will I ever see you again?"
She soon did a quick mini smile.
"Of course Camille. I promise." She than turned around and continued walking off.
After she was out of clear sight, I knew that I already missed her. It was hard not having a mother around. I would only imagine how much Imani misses me, and I miss her too.
I guess that goes to show how hard it is to be parent, especially at my age.
But what I do know is that at least she's trying and that's better than not trying at all.
Even though I haven't said these words to her in a long time, I do love my mom.
At least I'm trying to.
And I hope that she'll be doin okay.
As for me, I just gotta follow that advice and try to pick myself up.
I know Xavier, HAS to be thinking about me.
Cause I always be thinking about him.
He always crosses my mind.
All the time.