Smothered (bxb)

Approached

It's been a week since I started school and I don't understand what I could possibly have done wrong. I tried to talk to students in my classes but they seem to be... I don't know how to describe it... almost like they were scared of me, or intimidated?  I just want to be able to talk with someone, have a normal conversation with anyone other than my mom. I feel so lonely. Was it how I looked? Was that it? Was it because I wore dark clothes and I'm tall and have dark features? Do I scare people? I've never had this problem of struggling to make friends before, in my old town everyone just sort of already was your friend. Here, there are specific groups and cliques that have certain rules as to who can be in them. There are the jocks, preps, bandies, chess nerds, geeks, emos, stoners, theater kids... and I'm at a loss as to where I fit in in all of this. My head has started to hurt from all this complete confusion and it is getting too hard to handle on my own. Am I even supposed to fit in here? Maybe there is a group that doesn't fit any criteria... But If there was, I would have found them by now. For the past week I have been wandering the entire premise of the school looking for someone inviting that I could ask to eat with, but I always end up empty handed and awkwardly eat alone. The other students often give me a look with wide eyes and seem to try and avoid all eye contact, the thought made my stomach churn as I finally think I know what my mom was going through in the old town where we used to live.

Today I decided to find a place outside where I could sit by myself and eat in peace. I brought one of my favorite romance novels with me today so I could get lost in another world instead of wandering around, lost in this one. And It worked, I sat with my back against the cold wall at the back of the school and read, my mind finally somewhat at ease. But my contentment  was short lived when I heard some people coming around the corner with loud, obnoxious voices. I looked up from my book as I saw four guys in my grade stand in a circle around me. They looked like they were on the football team and I could see the ugly grimaces creeping onto their sly faces. This wasn't going to be good.

Irritated that they were interrupting the only peaceful lunch I've had all week I looked up with dark, squinted eyes. "What?" I sighed loudly, my stomach felt tight and I was suddenly feeling nervous around these huge guys. "Can't you see I'm busy?" I said rudely.The four boys passed looks between each other and then the biggest out of the bunch stepped closer to me and spoke in a deep, intimidating voice.

"We don't like you stalking the halls." He said roughly giving me a piercing stare, "You stay away from our girls, we'll stay away from you. Ya hear me?" His gruff voice making it very clear how tough he thought he was.

"What?" I said thoroughly confused. I looked at the group of big, bulky guys, they all seemed to be awkwardly following the big one that had spoken to me.

"I said... Stay. Away. From. Our. Girlfriends." he said stepping aggressively into my space. Taken aback by his assertiveness, I flinched, remembering my father back at home. I was quickly snapped back to reality as I saw the football player eyeing me with a malicious glare.

"Umm, dude I don't even know who your girlfriend is." I said with attitude, trying to play tough as well as I could, not letting them know they where unsettling me. I set my book down and I stood up so I could meet their gazes. I was taller than two of them, so I didn't feel too inferior this way. I looked into the big guy's eyes and sized him up, trying to make myself seem unfazed and annoyed while inside I was totally starting to freak out.

"I haven't even talked to anyone, so how do you expect me to know who your girlfriends are." I continued nonchalantly.

"We see the way you walk down the hallways and stare at our girls. You think you're all that, mister tough guy who moved to the city. Well, let me put you back in your place buddy." At this he stepped even closer to me and grabbed the front of my leather jacket forcefully, pushing my back into the cold wall with a jolt. I could feel my Adam's apple bob up and down as I gulped, staring into his cold black eyes. "Stay. Away." He hissed into my face and the let go of my jacket. After that the group turned and walked away. Holy crap, I could have gotten beat up by those guys... and I didn't even to do anything! I was just trying to find people to talk to... Was I really that...scary? I got my book off of the ground and walked inside the school with my head down, moving towards the washroom. That was just too weird.

Inside the clean washroom, I splashed cool water on my face to try and clear my thoughts. I didn't get all these rules that you had to follow to be normal in this school, everything was just so confusing! I looked at my angular face in the mirror. I had bags under my eyes and a slight stubble was visible on my tan, jaw line. Dark blue eyes looked back at me through the reflection with loneliness, and my hair swept softly over my forehead in a sad droop. Why did people look at me and see something off-putting? When I looked at myself all I saw was someone who needed a friend, or at least someone to talk to. I looked down at my hands, they were rough and strong, like my fathers; working hands. How did it come to this? I went from having tonnes of friends to no one at all in a few days. The world does work in strange ways...

As my thoughts trailed off someone came into the bathroom and stumbled into one of the two stalls almost falling down. I heard hoarse coughing and wheezing coming from them and wondered if I should say something but quickly decided against it. I didn't want to do anything that could possibly make this situation worse... so I left the person hacking miserably in the washroom alone and headed to my next class feeling degraded.

At home I put on a façade that I was having a great first week at school. My mother thought that I really liked it there, which made her happy, and I couldn't take her new found happiness away because I was incapable of being social. I went into my library-like room and holed out in there until dinner, then crawled back into the nest of blankets I made on my bed. It reminded me of that time years ago with my mum... the comfort of old, loving memories pulled me into the lull of sleep; thankful for the respite from the rough day I just had, I compiled.