Undercover (Phan)

Chapter 18 (Trigger Warning)

A/N: Trigger Warning! Things get physically violent when Dan is called down to the interrogation room, and there are mentions of sexual abuse around the part where Dan is pacing in front of the doctor's office.

Dan's POV

Driving down to Eden that morning had been such a serene feeling. It was just me on the motorcycle, left with nothing but my thoughts as I sped off alone to the agency. The wind cut through me bitterly, and it would have been much worse were it not for my warm clothing, but it wasn't terrible. I thought about a lot of things on my way there, but not what I would usually be thinking of. Normally, I would be thinking about my job. I would be thinking about my next plan of action, my next move. I pondered these things too, but not for very long.

What I thought of today was much different.

I had a dream about Thirty-One's funeral last night. I don't know why. But for some reason, probably because I was left alone with my thoughts for once, it got me thinking about how, somehow it's possible for agents at Eden to have lives outside of Eden. Are the other agents informed of this? Does it apply to everyone? Or was this father-figure of mine simply a special case? That's certainly what it sounds like...

I thought about life. I thought about love. I thought about family. I thought about my reason for being here; not just on this mission, but on Earth, period. I thought about killing people being the only thing my life ever amounts to.

I thought about what it might be like to settle down and have a family and a good life. I don't normally let myself imagine such things, but I just couldn't resist any longer. I thought of what it must be like to meet someone that you feel is right for you, to not want to be with anyone else but them. I thought of what it must be like to trust that person with literally everything you have; your house, your money, your possessions. I thought about the amount of trust that that must take, and that I'm not sure if that's something I have. What must it feel like to look into someone's eyes and want that someone to be yours forever? What must it feel like to be wrapped in someone's arms and never want them to let you go? What must it feel like to wake up smiling solely because of a single person?

Could such a feeling really exist?

I want to doubt it, but so many people insist that it's real.

Would it be possible for me to find that? And if I did, would I ever want to settle down? Am I allowed to quit Eden if I wanted? I don't think so...Would I ever want to get married? Does it make much sense to throw a huge party and spend a bunch of money just to sign a few papers saying that you belong to someone else? Then again, I've heard people say that it isn't really about the wedding; it's about the marriage. But what do you do then? Just try to find a job and hope that things don't fall apart?

I sped past a primary school with children playing on a playground. Smiling, running, laughing. This got me thinking about if I would ever want any children of my own if I were able to have any. Obviously, I'm unable to. Part of your induction to being a proper Eden agent is sterilization, so even if I were to find someone, and if that someone was someone with the ability to carry a pregnancy, I wouldn't be able to contribute much. Say I found someone whose gender wouldn't be capable of doing that anyway though. We could adopt; that's probably be what I'd have to do anyway. Adopt or foster or get a surrogate. Part of me thinks it would be nice to take in a child that needs a home and give them a home they deserve...

Would I even be any good with children? I'm not around them much, apart from the children at the agency, which I imagine are much different than "normal" children. Would my own children even like me? Are children even that important?

I think about being with Phil the last time he came over to my place and how genuinely upset he seemed to hear about that woman that had been in a car accident while pregnant. Is it really such a tragic loss? Or is that just Phil being Phil?