Undercover (Phan)

Chapter 24 (Trigger Warning)

A/N: TRIGGER WARNING MILD SPOILER BUT ITS IMPORTANT. If you or someone you know has ever been suicidal, attempted or even committed suicide (firstly I'm so sorry) this chapter might be triggering to you towards the end. I also know it's been circulating that someone in the Phandom recently committed suicide, I did NOT plan this chapter based on that, it's just circumstances and timing.

Dan's POV

This madness must end now.

A ridiculous amount of joy went through me on New Years. That snowball fight we had in his yard made me so happy, and I would be lying if I were to say that him falling on top of me didn't give me butterflies. And we've become so snuggly. And then we played that damn game that he made which honest to God may have been one of the most fun video games I've ever played in my life. Let's not even mention that he said his New Years resolution was to start dating again! I can't even begin to describe what that did to me mentally, and not in the way it would have even a month ago. Then he kissed my cheek...

We're so cute, it's disgusting.

Every emotion I'm feeling is a betrayal to my agency. I spent years training to not do exactly what I'm doing now. Enough is enough.

New Years morning, I savored my morning with Phil. I was as nice to him as I could possibly be. I helped him make pancakes, I let my touches linger, I made sure our eye contact was prolonged. I took in every moment with him that I could and made sure to embed it into my memory for me to keep for all time, so that I could remember for the rest of my life what it felt like to be cared about. Thirty-One cared about me, but not in this way. This was something I'd never experienced before, and something I would never experience again, so I savored it while it lasted.

A little after noon, I said my goodbyes and headed home.

Once I got home and situated again, I conducted my plan to end Phillip Michael Lester once and for all. It was simple, which made me ashamed of myself that I hadn't done it sooner. It only put a mirror in front of my face as to how out of control I'd allowed my feelings to get. It would be done before I knew it though, and then I would make my agency proud.

And then I'd be able to leave.

And then I'd be sent on my next mission.

And then I'd be able to move on.

When I got home, I showered and made myself lunch. I packed all of my things, as I was certain that I would be going back to Eden once the night was over. I'll just come back to my apartment tonight after the job is done so that I can get my things before leaving. I'm not going to take the motorcycle to Phil's house; it'll be too noisy. I don't want anyone to know that I'm there, obviously. Hopefully, I'll be able to do this quickly and quietly without much commotion.

Time seemed to go by slowly. To pass time, I watched a movie, played some video games, read a couple of chapters of a book, played my piano a bit; finally, I decided to go to sleep early so that I could be energized. I set an alarm for 3:30 a.m., took some melatonin to help me get tired at such an early hour, and was soon asleep.

I awoke to my alarm going off in the darkness. Once I blinked a few times and was able to remember why my alarm was going off at such a ridiculous hour, I shut it off and sat up. I turned on the light, got dressed in warm clothes since it was cold outside, made sure I had my phone on me, then I set out.

Walking through the neighborhood at this hour was an interesting experience. No one was out. I saw one car drive by in the entire walk to Phil's house. It was cool, but not so cold that I was suffering; the air was crisp. My breath swirled out in front of me with each exhalation. I contemplate about what this year may bring for me. For the first time, I actually like the idea of getting to restart everything. I want to leave Phil, Thirty-One's death, and pretty much everything that happened in the past year behind.