Undercover (Phan)

Chapter 27

Phil's POV

Leaving Dan after finding out he'd tried to kill himself was one of the hardest and scariest things I've ever had to do. I didn't want him to think that I didn't trust him, but I continued to text him to make sure he was okay throughout the day after I left. I eventually convinced him to spend the night at my house the night after that, which made me feel a lot better. If I wasn't worried about him before, I certainly was now.

I didn't get a ton of information on what set him off other than he found his birth parents. I don't even really know what his relationship with his adopted parents is like. The fact that I'm developing such strong feelings for someone who still has so much about them that I don't know about is kind of unsettling...

Ah, yes, the feelings thing. I think it's been pretty obvious that I've been crushing like mad on Dan for quite some time now, but the day that I went over to his apartment, he pretty much admitted to having feelings for me too. It wasn't the time or place, obviously, but I wanted to jump up and skip around at finding out he had the same feelings for me that I had for him. I wanted to kiss him and hold him and tell him that everything was going to be okay. 

We've reached the point in friendship where I was able to do all of the above apart from the kissing, so that was a good thing. I comforted him the best I could. I wanted to kiss him. Oh, God, did I want to kiss him. It wasn't the time though. However, come to think of it, I'm beginning to question if my timing for deciding to kiss him when I actually did was right either.

When he came over to my house the day after I left, I was over joyed, and I'll admit that it was because I was so relieved to see him in one piece. I brought him inside to get warm and we immediately got to chatting, but not about any of what we actually wanted to talk about. Most of this was because my mum was going back and forth between upstairs and downstairs in the basement as she was cleaning down there, which I still found strange at the time...

"I still don't really know what I want to do with my life," Dan said as he and I were discussing our plans and ideas for what we wanted to do once we got out of school.

I shrugged, "Do you ever want to get married to someone some day?"

Really, Phil? Not even two days after he admits he has feelings for you and that's the question you ask? That doesn't look clingy at all!

Dan paused, which made me fear that maybe he was putting together the same puzzle pieces that I'd just put together, but instead he soon gave a response.

"Maybe..."

Something about his answer was strange, and almost made me panic even more before he continued.

"I think I might want kids one day though."

I then relaxed and remembered where he was at mentally, then I offered him a sad smile, "Those are good things to hold on to."

"Yeah, I guess so."

I looked around to make sure my mum is still in the basement, then grew serious and look to Dan again, "Are you okay?" I asked, "Like, really, are you?"

Dan shrugged, "I don't know...I'm not as bad as I was the other day, but I wouldn't say I'm perfectly fine either."

I nodded, "That's understandable. And there's no rush for you to be okay. It's okay to not be okay for a little while - as long as you don't let it become your entire existence."

Dan nodded in return, "That makes sense. I...I want to start trying again, I do. It's just...hard for me to figure out where to start."

"Well, if nothing else, I've got your back, and I always will, okay? I've seen hopelessness and I've seen darkness. I can help you; I want to help you."