I awoke from a night of restless slumber. I immediately reached over to my night stand, searching for the white and gold box and a lighter, almost as if it was a reflex. I was beginning to feel like the epitome of a fashion designer. Coffee, drawings, cigarettes. But I didn't feel cool.
I opened the double doors that led out to my own private balcony and was welcomed by an instant brush of light wind against my face and the sun rising over the ocean. The December weather made Malibu by the beach pretty harsh, but I didn't mind. I carefully lit a cigarette, failing twice because of the wind before I was able to finally get it.
I rested my elbows on the railing after taking the first drag. The nicotine soothed me in some of the most contradicting ways possible. I sucked the life from this cigarette, hoping it would return the favor for me and give me energy to actually do something with myself.
My phone began vibrating from inside my bedroom. I was sure of who it was, so I let it go to voice mail. It was just Luke letting me know that him and his family were on their way over to the house for breakfast and gifts and I needed to start cleaning myself up. It was tradition, maybe even more of a routine now. It had been for the last few years. We lived a couple of houses down from each other so I guess it worked out. I couldn't pass up an offer to see Luke, he was the only person who could make me feel normal. He was the only person that could make me feel like my dreams weren't so unattainable.
A few more minutes passed and I took another drag from the cigarette, only to be startled mid-puff by a pair of hands, squeezing my sides, causing me to shriek and choke on the white smoke I had inhaled.
"You get startled so easily these days." Luke's lips formed into a smile. He leaned against the rail, adjusting his dark gray beanie. "Merry Christmas."
"Jesus Christ. I didn't hear you enter my room. Same to you." I said in between a few short coughs that faded and my breathing returned to normal. I took the time to scowl at Luke after I had calmed down.
"I didn't want to interrupt. You looked so peaceful out here."
I forced myself to finish the cigarette quicker than I intended to now that Luke was in my presence. He was the first to find out about the habit a little over a year ago, at first he was against it and tried to convince me to stop. He read some study a big university had done that stated, "Smoking one cigarette takes 11 minutes off ones life." I shrugged and continued to go about my day.
I believed he was okay with it since I'd explained it was an activity I only took part in when I started to feel stressed and felt on edge of anxiety. In response, he made me promise it wouldn't turn into a repulsive every day habit. I had done a pretty good job keeping the promise. So far. With the way things had been lately because of the wedding, I felt like I needed to take a smoke break every hour of every day for the last week. I wasn't made out for the life of stress, really.
"You been getting sleep, Kozma?" I looked over at Luke, who had just found a new fascination with playing with the lighter; turning it on and blowing the fume out. "You've horrid dark circles under your eyes."
I rubbed my eyes and sighed, "Barely. My minds been running the night shift as of lately."
And that wasn't a lie. If I attempted to sleep, my mind would still be on a constant. Some nights so bad that I end up dreaming about what I was thinking about and it was frightening to see some of my biggest fears and worries being played out. I'd been tempted to mention that to Luke, but I didn't think something like that had ever happened to anyone else. He'd laugh and dismiss it by telling me I would be okay as time passes. But we all knew I wouldn't.
"That's no good." He placed the lighter down on the little black cafe table I had on the balcony, and took a seat. I took that as a sign to take the seat across from him. It was really cold this morning. I kept shivering more and more the longer I stayed outside, but I didn't want to go inside. "Maybe you should see a doctor, you know, they'll help you sort out all of this and you'll get better." He seemed hesitant about advising me and tensed up.
