Stage Lights || H.S.

the talk

My stomach was full from all the sushi I had just consumed. The Japanese restaurant was at the rooftop was nice and quite fancy. My hair blew out with the slight breeze in Malibu, the sky started to become a deep shade of purple and the fairy lights on top of our heads were sparkly and bright. I wiped my lips with the black fabric napkin that before laid on my lap and watched my father do the same.

Dinner was full of small talk and one worded answers. I don't remember the last time I had gone out with my dad, maybe a year ago.

"I'm thinking about flying out to New York this week." I spoke, breaking the uncomfortable silence that laid between us.

"Alone?" I nodded. "I don't think that's a good idea."

"What do you mean that's not a good idea?" I raised my voice and he cleaned his throat, glancing at the tables around us.

I had never told either of my parents when I was leaving, I had never asked for permission, that was the first time I was letting him know my plans.

"Your mom is worried, I've been trying to keep her calm but she's upset, Luna." He took a deep breath. "You hurt her feelings."

"Renee has feelings?"

"Both of our feelings." He corrected himself.

"If you event gave a crap about me then maybe I would feel the need to disappear all the time."

I felt my cheeks burning and my eyes filling with tears. I wasn't going to cry, I wasn't going to let him see my cry. I looked up at the sky and back down at his face, his dark eyes were sad as they stared at me. I wanted to scream, I wanted to get out of there and, most certainly, I didn't want to have that conversation.

"I'm sorry, Luna. About the way you feel, I don't want you to feel that way."

"It's fine, dad."

"I know it's hard. I know our family isn't perfect." I laughed ironically. "But I'm worried, Luna. I want you to stop disappearing and so does your mom."

"You can't keep me here. I-"

"She's cutting off your credit card." I forgot how to breathe. I couldn't believe the words that came out of his mouth.

"You're not letting her, are you?" He didn't respond. "Dad, you can't-"

"If you leave again there's nothing I can do, honey. You know your mom." I rested my elbows on the table and rubbed my eyes with my fingers. Now I really wanted to evaporate. "So why don't you stay around for a bit? We miss you."

"You've got to be kidding me."

"Just... Show her that you're okay. She's worried, that's all." I sighed. "Let's do this, you hang around for two weeks, then I'm going to London and you can come with me, it'll be fun, and after that you can go straight to New York, do whatever you want, do your thing. I'll talk to your mother."

"Fine."

Two weeks. I had to be nice, kind and deal with Renee for two weeks and then I could go to New York City and keep living my life. I could show her I'm fine, I could pretend I am, I'm good at pretending: at 5 I pretended I was happy with the fancy birthday she threw me for all her rich friends to come to, at 6 I pretended I didn't mind she forgot the Mother's Day party at my school, at 8 I pretended I liked the way she made me dress. All I did growing up was fake smiles and hope for the best. She didn't know me, it would be easy to trick her into thinking my mental health is fine, I never did heavy drugs and I'm not into tattooed long haired band members.

"I heard you ran into Harry." My dad said, almost reading my mind.

I hadn't seen Harry in a little over two weeks. Amy mentioned something about him being in Mexico, Hawai, Spain; I don't know why she felt the need now to just talk about a celebrity with me. I didn't care, not where Harry was nor about anything relating to him.

"You did?" I gasped.

"He said you're very lovely." He chuckled. "I asked if he met the wrong Luna Davis."

Lovely. That sounds like something he would say, his  strong British accent making every word sound like a dream. Definitely not an adjective to describe me, no one I've ever met in my twenty one years of living have called me lovely. 

"He did?" He nodded.

"He's a charmer, isn't he?"

"Will..."

"You don't think so? The smile, the hair..." he laughed.

"I didn't notice." I shrugged.

"Right."

Of course I had noticed. Who wouldn't? He had the most beautiful eyes I've ever came across, his hair looked good in any form on top of his head, he had the perfect smile, pink lips, sharp jawline. I felt my stomach twisting itself thinking about it. I hated, hated the fact that I thought about it.

"How's Amy?"

"She's good. She asked me to thank you again for getting us in The Troubadour."

"It was no problem." His face looked worried again. "How's the apartment? Have you guys been keeping it clean."

"Yeah. Amy has the apartment smelling like lavender."

"It makes me less worried to know that you have someone like Amy to count on, Luna. She's a great girl, that one."

"I know."

"Maybe she should come with us to London, huh? Would you like that?"

The idea of having Amy with me sounded perfect, but of course she had her job and her life, she wouldn't drop everything to come with me to Europe just because I can't handle being around my parents without self destructing.

"Isn't she Harry's fan?" My dad asked. "I bet she'll love to come to the premiere."

"What premiere?"

"Harry's movie premiere, in London. That's why I'm going."

Movie premiere. London. Harry Styles. Suddenly I started feeling my body getting hot, my cheeks burning, lack of air in my lungs. I didn't want to see him, I didn't want to talk to him. You're self destructing, my mind repeated to itself.