Stage Lights || H.S.

the birthday bash

I stood by my window watching the busy backyard. The house was full of people I both knew and didn't. Famous ones, not so famous ones, friends, family. It was Will's big 50. The house was chaotic all day, I went downstairs to grab something to eat and ended up getting yelled at for being in the way of the people my mom had hired to decorate.

So I stayed upstairs all day. At this point I was hungry and bored. And now, all dressed up even though I wasn't sure I wanted to join the party. I didn't feel welcome to my own father's birthday party, I didn't feel like a party of the family and I couldn't help but feel like an embarrassment for both Renee and Will.

But there I was, in a nice strapless black dress, with pin straight hair, light makeup and a diamond necklace that was way over the top but I knew Renee would approve. From my window I could see the sparkly water of the lit up pool and rich people drinking champagne and snacking on something that probably tasted like nothing.

I turned my back from the window and walked over to my desk. I took the album cover on my hands. It was thin and simple.

"What are you doing?" I heard.

I quickly paused the song and dropped the album cover on the desk. Amy stood by the doorframe, her hair down on waves, her lips glossy, her dress baby blue. She held two glasses of champagne.

"Nothing."

"So this is it? You're still giving me the cold shoulder?" She walked in, her heels clacking on the hardwood floor. "I called you, you know? About thirteen times."

"I shut my phone off."

"Right." She put the glasses down on the table. "This room brings so many memories, doesn't it? It hasn't changed."

"I'm sorry, Amy." She looked up frowning. "I'm sorry I shut you out. I'm sorry that—"

"Stop apologizing. It's gotten old." She wrapped her arms around me taking me by surprise. "We're sisters. We'll always be. I just want you to know..." she pulled away, her dark eyes staring into mine. "That it's okay to break. I'll be always here to help you pick up the pieces."

"Yeah?"

She nodded. "Now let's go downstairs. I'm alone and they have cocktails." She took the glasses back and pushed one in my direction.

"Wait. There's something I want to do first." I took a deep breath. "I'm tired of shutting you out, I just— I'm scared of what you're gonna think of me."

"Luna—"

"I saw Paul yesterday. He gave me a copy of his album and there's a song for me. Track 3. And I want to listen to it."

"Okay."

I took a sip of the champagne before pressing play. I didn't know what to expect. I was scared of this song, completely terrified to hear all the things he had to say to me but never did.

Up all night on my mind got me thinking
Wanna stay, can you give me a reason?
I don't think so, I don't think so
I'm in love with someone, but I'm not sure
She can love someone back the way they love her
I don't think so, I don't think so

I had never heard Paul sing. I knew he did it and I knew he did it good but I wasn't sure of what to expect. His voice was different, like nothing I had heard before, and the words were sad, but the beat made me want to dance.

Don't be mean, if you wanna go
You can leave and leave my heart alone

I saw Paul spend sleepless nights writing to put that together, and when it came out I didn't even dare to give it a listen, because I didn't care. Why didn't I care?

Waking up to nothing when you're super far from home
And I watch you fall asleep at night and lay there on my own
Got me begging for affection, all you do is roll your eyes
Broken down, I've had enough
If this is love, I don't want it

It hurt. It hurt that he felt that way about me. It hurt that he felt so strongly for me that he wrote a song, a very good song, about it. It hurt because I cared. I had never cared before but now I did. I wanted to tell him I was sorry that he fell for me, that I put him through that, that I was unable to love him back. But what was worse was wondering if Harry felt that way because I couldn't live knowing he did.

I paused the song. My breath caught on my throat, the tears sitting on the corner of my eyes. Amy rubbed her hand up and down my arm in comfort.

"Luna—"

"I'm okay." I gave her a light smile. "I swear."

I wasn't. Both Amy and I knew it, but we brushed it off anyways. We laced our arms together and made our ways downstairs while sipping champagne and her telling me about a cute intern that started at her job.The living room was loud. People talked and laughed around cliche flower arrangements that I knew was not Will's idea. 

No one cared about me. They were all too busy with their perfect lives, with the millions of dollars they were worth and what party they were going to go next. I never cared either but for some reason now I did, or now I was trying to. 

There were two people in that party that did care. That cared more than they wanted to, that caring made them exhausted. Amy; who squeezed my arm and whispered an "it's okay" on my ear. And the guy whose eyes were as green as a pair of emeralds, usually shinning but tonight just tired. His chestnut hair made him stand out from the crowd of people, the stripped pants followed by a black button up was a risky outfit choice that only him, in between all the two hundred that gathered around the house, could pull off. His lips a dark shade of pink, his eyes puffy showing how tired he was. He was definitely the youngest of the group he stand with. Cindy Crawford, Rande Gerber, Jeffrey Azoff, two more people I didn't know. 

I froze. Amy twirled around me and stared me in the eye and, if she did it correctly she must've seen me break inside. But outside I didn't show any emotion. I didn't frown, I didn't smile, I didn't shout or cry or laugh. I watched Jeff lean on his side and say something close to Harry's ears. His eyes fell low as he heard carefully, and they traveled down and looked up to meet mine.