Total Eclipse Of The Heart

5 A DEMON POSSESSED

Scary...for the first time I'm being deprived of my own tears. I haven't left the apartment in four days. Megan comes and visits every day. The news of Jasper's death comes as a shock to everyone. A small part of me still believes it is a white lie. He is not dead, I want him not dead. But I don't want him alive either if it means I have to live without him. But my guilt outweighs my selfish motives, and it's so much harder to see the light now. I'm raved; every bone in my body is begging me to get high on a potion that might actually grant me my abolition.

After what David and Carla told me, every memory, every moment, every detail of my life came rushing back to me. And I thank the stars, because I don't ever want to forget. The pain is his only reminder, and I'd carry it till I die my own death. It felt like a cruel joke, something that I've always been enslaved to play. But I never thought my ardor for suffering and truth would crucify Jasper. I wanted the pain, but I wanted it for myself, I wanted the destruction but I never wanted to destroy him.

So in the darkness and in the dawn, I paint. It's hard, because he is not here and I haven't painted by myself since I learned about pleasure and echoes of his sound surrounding my head. He is within me, like a demon possessed. And I fear I'll die without an exorcism. I still can't remember what happened that night in the villa. The memory is behind the curtain but I can't peek through. They say it will come back eventually, but I'm now not sure if I want to remember, I'm not sure if I want to forget either. I don't say his name out loud anymore, I don't talk about it but he's all I think about. I don't want to share him, his memories. What if I talk about him out loud and he never comes back?

I stare at myself standing in front of the bathroom mirror.

"You're a fucking cunt. You let him die, and then forget about him." I spat at image of the girl in the mirror.

The girl looks back at me with same vehemence "Or maybe that's what he wanted to do all along. Leave you so exposed to the trauma that you can't find your way back." Will I ever find my way back I wonder? I don't think I want to. I don't want to be Jade without Jasper.

Booze helps, the drugs help me forget like a momentarily lapse, but I need more, something more lethal than narcotics, something that gives me instant pain and pleasure. I step into the car and tell the driver to head towards the one place where I can still feel his presence. He named this club after me (l'ejade) it was one of Jasper's initial projects, it was in this club when I saw for the first time the true animal who loved me.

Someone made the mistake of thinking I was available when I was dancing on the floor by myself, the guy couldn't get two sentences out of his mouth when Diego dragged him to present in front of Jasper. A sane person would've stopped him, ask him to let go of the poor guy but I was far from sane and he was far from forgiving. Jasper was not my light, rather he was my darkness and I've always felt safer at night. You can be much more forgiving of yourself when your shortcomings aren't threatened by the brazen light of the day, and by shortcomings I mean damage.

He was my true monster of the witching hour but he somehow made me feel sinless. So maybe...just maybe if I go back to the place where it all started, he'll come back to me. Maybe if I'm begging enough to the moon and stars, they might just grant me the wish of coming undone. My thoughts are interrupted as I see the driver opening the door for me.

Looking at me unsure he speaks "My name is Ben Miss. Wolf, Just call me if you need assistance you have my number in your cell phone." I give him a curt nod and get out. The last memory of this club is when Megan and Mark announced their engagement.

As soon as the bouncers see me they stiffen, "Miss. Wolf" He mutters, ignoring them I make way towards the entrance.

"Hey...That's not fair. That bitch can't just cut like that." A girl yelled visibly angry.