Hi, my name is Lana Rosenburg. I’m 17-years old, I live in Harvey Cedars, New Jersey and I’m in the 11th grade. Approximately 9 hours ago I found out my Mother is lesbian, and evidently sleeping with my third-grade teacher Miss Trevor. It was also revealed to me that the Dad I thought abandoned me never existed and a woman I believed to be my aunt was actually my ‘second Mom’. This woman also happens to be the birth Mother of my next-door neighbor, Frank Iero. See this would all be fine and dandy if I weren’t already romantically, or should I say sexually, involved with this Frank next-door.
So now, I was some sort of step-brotherfucker.
Oh wait, It gets better. Somehow I let Frank convince me it was a good idea to break into my school and have sex in the nurse’s office. Well, I didn’t really let him convince me. He sort of just did it and I went along, like an idiot. A true fucking idiot.
Luckily, we didn’t get very far. Not so luckily, it was because we were caught by the school’s art teacher, Mr. Way. One thing led to another and Mr. Way and Frank got into a nasty fight. And now? We’ve killed a librarian.
-
“Oh god why is this happening, god why why why. Was it the weed? Was it the incest that wasn’t really incest? Someone kill me. JUST KILL ME.” I rambled, pacing the room back and forth.
“LANA. Calm the fuck down! I’m trying to think!” Mr. Way snapped.
“MAYBE, you should have thought before you and Frank started trying to kill each other? How about then? Huh Mr. Way?!” I screamed at him.
“Back the fuck up! I’m not the 17-year old who’s spreading her legs for some guy in a nurse’s office! How long have you even known him!?” Mr. Way screamed back.
“SHUT THE FUCK UP! BOTH OF YOU!” Frank interjected, rubbing his temple with his fingers. We closed our mouths and stared at him.
“For fucks sake. We can argue later, we’ve got a bigger problem. Unless everyone here wants to be arrested you’d better put your brains to use and help me figure out what to do.” He added, seemingly the calmest one out of all of us.
“First. Everyone, clothes back on. Now.” He sighed. This caused me to look down to my body, which I’d forgotten was on display for the entire room. I briefly screamed in shock as I noticed half of me was covered in Mrs. Smith’s blood.
“Oh god. Oh god oh god oh god.” I started hyperventilating.
“Fuck.” Mr. Way muttered, now glancing at the cause of my worry.
“The showers.” His eyes suddenly lit up. “Have Frank carry your clothes and take you to the Girl’s changing room by the gym. Then come back, with your clothes on, and get more blood on you. You’re not going to be able to explain why you were naked when you went to help her.” Mr. Way combed his fingers through his hair in deep thought.
I nodded frantically, waiting as Frank and Mr. Way put the rest of their clothes on. I noticed their pants were dripping with water and gasped.
“How are we going to explain the bucket of water?” I bit my lip furiously, there was no reasonable explanation for there to be a puddle of water on the floor.
“Shit. Lana why did you even pour water on us?” Frank furrowed his eyebrows.
“BECAUSE YOU WERE FIGHTING! I thought someone was going to die! And now-“ I started sobbing.
“Love, stop. It’s okay, we’ll figure this out I think I’ve got a plan.” Frank rubbed my back understandingly and I simply glared at him.
“Let’s hear it then.” Mr. Way said, doing the last button up on his shirt and adjusting his collar.
