Dear Diary: But Seriously, What the Fuck?

Dear Pain...

Fuck you! With a capital fucking F! Fuck the misery you bring and the hopelessness I feel. When I try so hard to live happily and in peace, you seem to show up to remind me there is still something for me to learn. Well, what the Fuck is that lesson this go around?

I'm in pain. I am writing from the app because I'm afraid how bad it will hurt if I was to type on my laptop. Just using my thumbs is excruciating but I need to...write, that is. I need to get this other pain out. The fucking despair.

On my 20th birthday, 19 years ago, I was diagnosed with a rare kidney disease. Fast forward past the kidney failure, near death experiences, dialysis, depression and suicidal thoughts to finally getting a kidney transplant. Yaaay! I'm alive! Again!

But still, not quite right.

I've had my transplant for 10 years now and while it's so amazing to be able to pee again, this was by no way, a cure. In fact, taking immunosuppressive medications in order to keep my kidney, has allowed me to get sick at any moment. When there isn't nausea and vomiting, there is physical pain. For years, I've had abdominal pain before, during and after my periods. I've recently found out I have endometriosis. The doctor told me the only way to confirm the diagnosis is through surgery. 

So why the Fuck was there a wand up my coochie? For shits and giggles? (What the MRI did show was that I most likely have deep infiltrating endometriosis... D.I.E.)

Now that I've been able to manage that, a new pain has begun. My left arm was where they made my av fistula, the portal I used for my dialysis treatments back in the day. It's about 16 years old and my left arm is just so fucked up. Besides being monstrously ugly, its now begun to hurt like no other pain I've felt. And I thought endometriosis was the worst! (I mean, it still is but this is my arm here. I need that bitch more than my uterus.)

The ER doctors and surgeons from this past Mondays visit, let me know that I most likely have peripheral neuropathy. Which is like severe pain on your nerve endings or something. Don't quote me, blinding pain doesn't allow me to remember specific details. I made an appointment with a specialist for this upcoming Monday. I pray they find a way to get rid of the pain without surgery or lifelong pain meds regimen.

I went from getting too sick on one Percocet pill, to now waiting for it to work. It was so strong before, it made me throw up. Now I stare at the bottle and try to talk myself and the pain away. I don't want to be dependent on that shit. That's what weed is for.

But alas, I'm not finding much comfort in that either, although its a great fucking distraction. And that's what my life has become as of late. Finding a distraction from the physical pain I'm feeling.

It's also effecting my mental well being!

I have borderline personality disorder and almost every day this week (this pain has been around for about 10 days now) I've cried myself to sleep and woken up crying. I don't want to hurt myself and I definitely don't want to die. My self awareness has taught me that despite everything being so shitty at the moment, it wont always be.

Everything is temporary. Even death. I've had some crazy anxiety over my death this month. Like it's impending. But again, I don't want to die and I'm not sure I'm ready to ascend. I just want to live pain free and quietly in peace.

I'm just trying to find the lesson here. I mean, what would Jesus do? Where's my Mary Magdalene? I really wish I had a partner to care for me, but I'm afraid to get too close to people. No one wants to be around a person who is sick all the time.

Thank God, I've finally learned to love me, tho. And I've learned self care and acceptance. Its ok that I've never had a career or long term jobs...I got my associates degree while I was on dialysis 3 days a week and began my bachelor's three months after my transplant, completed in 1 year. Who cares if I don't have a husband or kids or even a dog? There's no time frame for a happy ending.

Then again, I don't want this to end. Despite the bullshit, and there is oh so much of it, I'm really glad I'm here. Alive. Even if I'm in what seems like never ending pain. I just know and have complete and utter faith that it wont always be that way.

Life can't always hurt this much. I'm almost excited to see what's next.