Dear Diary: But Seriously, What the Fuck?

Dear Body...

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Really.

I wanted to rant and rave about how my body is seemingly betraying me at every turn but I decided, as I do all my trials and tribulations, to look at my decaying body as a lesson. What am I learning besides writing 37 worded sentences? Well, I think my body isn't so much betraying me as it is evolving. I'm in the midst of an evolution.

I'm not sure if it's my body preparing me for death. I mean, like it reminds me, every time something wrong happens, that I am dying. Not to say I'm currently terminal. We're all dying. Its just when anything happens to my body, cold, aches and pains, it's always so severe. My immune system is weak in order to keep my kiddy transplant, so fighting illness is next to nil.

I'm a frequent flyer at the ER. I can't tell you how many times I've ended up there this year alone, but just multiply that by 19 years. Crazy shit right? I'm grateful as Fuck that I have insurance that covers my care. But it's so tiring! Both physically and mentally exhausting. Most of the time, I'm afraid. Usually I'm alone in the ER, so I have no one to keep me company. The times when people do accompany me, I feel bad. Like a burden. They shouldn't have to be there because of me.

Now that I've had a stent put into my av fistula, my blood is flowing better because the blockage is gone. No more pain! But I thought I was going to die. Now I realize what my body is doing; she's making me face my fears. I suffered 10 years of pelvic pain and vomiting, before I looked into endometriosis. An MRI showed deep infiltrating Endo but without laparoscopy, the diagnosis can't be confirmed. Well fuck that shit, I got it and you can't tell me otherwise! I've researched and changed my diet and visited doctors and right now I have a decent regimine. It involves narcotics and anti nausea meds but weed usually takes care of both! But still, if my body hadn't caused me severe pain (the Mirena IUD which I had for 11months, made everything worse until recently) I wouldn't have investigated it.

Actually, thinking about it now, if it wasn't for my ex boyfriend/Dom who made me get checked out, I wouldn't have pursued the cause of my pain. He felt I shouldn't suffer but to me that was my normal. Its a year later and while he isn't in my life, my current Dom has picked up where he left off.

I have an intense fear of gyno and dentist appoinments. Yet, this year, after sweating buckets of bullets, I got my cavity-filled, wisdom tooth removed. The pain was just too unbearable. Thanks, body! And with this latest arm issue, well you can see why I have such anxiety about my mortality. Then again, I am a spiritual chick. I have my crystals and tarot cards and learn about rituals and mantras to help keep me calm and focused on the present. Because that's all there is really, is the present. My body, she constantly reminds me of this 3D reality. Now, I think it's time my soul is finally ready to evolve into the next level. I'm ready to be free. Xoxo