I was feeling pretty good about a half hour ago but right now, I'm in a mood. A stay quiet and shut off from the world, kind of mood yet my mind tends to wander so here I am, writing my thoughts down. I just want to be alone.
Maybe this feeling will go away just as quickly as it came. But all I know is, I had things I wanted to do but now I just want to stay in bed and watch Basketball Wives LA repeats on Hulu. The ratchet-ness of the show calms and entertains me and it makes me happy I don't have many friends.
Ugh, people. People are the worst! And the best. If I hadn't ever faced any trauma, I'd probably be a happy go lucky much more successful person than I am. But that sounds fake. Trauma is what made me, me. I woke up into the life time ready for the bullshit. But today I'm just tired.
Like I need a vacation. Away from the loud, crowds of NYC. Away from the fact that my mother had a stroke a month ago and now both of our lives have changed. Now we are adjusting to something neither of us are ready for. I'm not ready to lose her just yet.
I'm the sick one. I'm the one who needs to be taken care of but I'm strong. I take care of myself and have a support system with my select few friends and therapists. With my depression and BPD, I've learned a lot and have gotten closer to my mom this past year after 3 years of not talking to her.
Then she fell the other day. I can't unsee that.
I ran to her and cradled her in my arms as if my child had fell and skinned her knee. But the fall was worse than that. Fortunately she's ok but she lives alone and I have my own shit to deal with. I can't care for her the way she wants me to. So yeah, I'm fucking stressed out and I just want to shut down.
Its Thursday. I see her again tomorrow. Although my mom wasn't the best mother, I understand her better than anyone else does. Her own undiagnosed mental illness has affected me my whole life and I have gotten help for it. With what I learn, I try to help her heal. She's still dealing with shit from before I was born and I'm almost 40.
Anyways, I guess I'm near shut down mode. I've been taking care of her emotionally for years and now I have to take care of her as if she were my child. Because in a way, she is. We have both grown together, albeit a 27 year difference.
I'm tired. I'm in a mood. I hate everyone and love them just the same. I'm an empath. My body hurts today but thankfully no Endo cramps. I don't want to feel anything, if it's not peace and love. I guess I can worry and still love but I worry way too much, I forget to love.
I love me 100% and my new Doms/friends have really helped distract me during this crazy time. My family has also come thru for me and mom too, which im really grateful for. But that won't change the fact that I prefer to stay away from them. Nothing personal, too many different energies.
So today is cocoon day. Its self care day. But what I want, what I really need, is a fucking hug. I'm in the mood for at least one of those.
YOU ARE READING
Dear Diary: But Seriously, What the Fuck?
Non-FictionI don't blog, just needed a place to vent. Who knows, maybe someone will read it and empathize or sympathize with me. All I know is, we're not alone. No matter how different we look on the outside, we all go through the same bloody bullshit. So this...
