I wish I could forget. There are a lot of things I have purposely blocked out and things that I couldn't remember if I tried. But the worst things, the bad things that happened to me, I can't forget. I used to try to smoke my memories away, but it did the opposite. My memories became real again and larger than life. So now, I try to figure out why I can't move on from them.
Why do I allow myself to be haunted? It almost stunts my recovery, mental health recovery that is. Borderline personality disorder is literally an emotional rollercoaster and I struggle to control the ride. Im not a big fan of the ride, I prefer the Tilt-a-whirl or whatever it's called now. My emotions are 6 Flags Great Adventure but I want the classic, mellow, rural Rye Playland. Not as many rides and the lines aren't as long. That's my desired speed.
Yet my memories, my thoughts, they come crashing down when the slightest thing I perceive as negative, happens to me, immediately I'm a horrible unlovable person. I didn't get a message right away, that must mean I'm not as important as I thought I was. Then I get mad for thinking I was even important at all. Who am I to be important in someone else's life? Then a cycle of self loathing...FUCK I'm tired of this!!
I need to...I try to, really I do, stay in the moment. Like at this moment, I'm on the app, writing my feelings when what I really want to do is cry. Don't know why I'm sad but I have my techniques to get me out of it. I'm watching my favorite movie, Clue, at the same time. While my attention is mostly in writing, I still have the words memorized. 34 years later and I still know the words. That's when my memory comes in handy.
I should go outside and get some fresh air and shit, but there's people out there. I'm not in the mood to be around anyone. I want snacks, but I'll make do with whatever is left in my house. I'm pretty good at that, even tho there isn't much food, I know I'll eat everything instead of going out and spending money that I can't spare.
Ok. I'm calmer now. I feel a little less shitty. My arm hurts still and I'm starting to feel cramps from the oh so delightful endometriosis, which means my period must be coming soon. Oh. That's what this is. I'm PMS-ing and stressing myself out because of an upcoming procedure to fix my arm. I'm running out of weed and I can't afford it this month or at least the first couple of weeks. I'm grateful my guy does credit but I want to catch up and I can do that finally.
I'll just smoke what I have left. Get my mind right and take all my pains away. This week I'll just have to exercise or meditate or something. I'll need a healthy distraction. I'm already dreading the withdrawal symptoms but I've done this before. Its mind over matter and I have a pretty strong mind. I just need to learn to not let my memories control my mood. I know I'm better than that. I know I can be better!
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Dear Diary: But Seriously, What the Fuck?
Non-FictionI don't blog, just needed a place to vent. Who knows, maybe someone will read it and empathize or sympathize with me. All I know is, we're not alone. No matter how different we look on the outside, we all go through the same bloody bullshit. So this...
