Dear Diary: But Seriously, What the Fuck?

Dear Diary: Confessions

I recently told my mother about my current "special friend", a very sweet and compassionate 60 year old married, white man. She then called him, "a dirty old man" and I laughed and reminded her I'm going to be 39 next month. Her face kind of crumbled and she said, "Aww my baby is getting old!" I've come to enjoy and appreciate our grown up chats.

I am not one to lie and I despise people who do so. This makes me honest, pretty much to a fault because I have no filter. I've learned when to keep quiet in certain situations, because I realize that's energy I'm never getting back. I can be doing something useful like rolling a joint.
Anyways I don't lie, so I tell my mother pretty much anything...if she asks. Otherwise, if I don't bring anything up, just picture me as a nun and we'll all live in a more peaceful existence.

If you caught on to the married man part, well this is by choice. He is my Dom and I, his submissive. With BPD, there really is no such thing as a stable relationship for me, yet in the BDSM community, there are strict and specific rules that has to be agreed upon by both parties before getting together.

You put your expectations up front, what each person wants and expects and if you mesh, then all is well. My past experience hasn't been very good. Lots of fakes out there. I found that a majority of them are older, married white men who have been with their wives for years but now they're basically living as roommates. I'm not saying that's an excuse but I also don't believe in monogamy. Ideally I would like his wife to know but he's been doing this for decades so he seems to know what he's doing.

This relationship is easier for me to handle and its short term, meaning its going to end soon. I felt I could never love again after dealing with another fake but I've learned there are different loves and what I feel now, is a submissives devotion to her Dom.

He messages me everyday to see if I'm well, which as someone with chronic illness, 9 times out of 10 I'm feeling shitty. But he doesn't mind and I hate complaining. He genuinely cares for my well being and for someone who struggles with caring for oneself, it's reassuring. He makes me feel like I'm less of a monster.

When I was younger, my mood swings were crazy but after years of therapy and shit, I've developed some healthy coping mechanisms. A BDSM relationship with a married man may not seem like one, but its the most stable and loving relationship I've ever had. And we haven't even slept with each other! He knows I have endometriosis and doesn't want to hurt me.

I've never met a man who would turn sex down and I'm not even saying that to brag. BPD-ers are known to be hypersexual so we never run low on partners. Yet, one day he witnessed me having an endo flare, which is hella crazy pain and he nearly cried for me. He just held me and kissed my shoulders. Most guys I've dealt with would get uncomfortable and want to leave and me being the strong bitch that I am, would let them.

The older I get, the more I try to focus on my happiness and I know I've been dealing with some grey areas. To be honest tho, as a person with black and white thinking, it doesn't bother me. I feel bad that I don't feel bad. I secretly think all these older wives know about their husbands infidelity but they don't want to be bothered. I mean you're a senior citizen, where you gonna go? I'm not trying to steal your man, I just want someone who wants me and who treats me well, however short a time it may be.

Maybe one day I'll find a nice, single widower who likes young looking, chronically ill, Puerto Rican chicks and preferably one who has money. I'm not saying I'm a gold digger, but I actually need someone to take care of me and if he already has his own nurse, well, we're golden. Put their ass to work! *sigh* So thankful I have a fucking sense of humor. At least I think I'm funny.