Dear Diary: But Seriously, What the Fuck?

Dear Love...

I thought we'd never talk about it again. We, being me, my brain, my heart and my ego. Like the lion, the witch and the wardrobe, love seems like such a fantastical thing. Like, it shouldn't even exist but it does and it's wonderful and painful and...everything! It's even a fucking Michael Bolton song, a catchy one at that.

But it's also crazy, scary and some, if not often times, deceitful. That's why I like D/s relationships. Everything is set out right in the open. Expectations are shared and corrections are made. Or not. Sometimes I feel lucky but still wait for the other shoe to drop. Regardless, I prefer to walk barefoot. And now there's this guy and he sees me. Like for real, really sees me. And I don't want to run.

Running has always been my go to. Whether running toward or away from something, I did it with haste. Lots of pros and cons because my brain is constantly working, but it all goes by so quick. And then I worry. And possibly self sabotage. But this time, I really wasn't looking and it's not like I'm even in love. Yet I see and confirm it's possibilities.

Or are you just seeing what you want to see? Because that's what they all do, fall for the piece they want to focus on instead of viewing me as a whole. I think I'm whole. I mean I am. I'm going through some painful, scary, shifting of a soul on an emotional level. I actually understand everyone, even their stupidity, because mines shine brightly underneath my Technicolor telescope. Because, I know everything isn't just grey.

It's not just black or white, love. It's a multifaceted universal source code of divine energy and intrigue. Even as I write this down in an early morning before sunrise, I feel the words coming out of my head, like I'm channeling something instead of just saying and thinking my own words. Is this even me? Or should I say we, the me that I see, lovingly and imperfectly whole although slightly incomplete.

Maybe I do need more love. Time to let the right one in. And he seems so amazingly and overwhelmingly familiar and again, I won't run. I'm coasting, or at least I'm trying to. I'm just floating by, sailing on the sea of love but through my telescope, my eyes are on the prize. I have to take care of her, my mother. And I can't forget to take care of me. Although, he reminds me.

He's so much like me so checking him is checking me and I'm paying attention but I still have my daughterly duties and I have to admit, you're an excellent distraction. I couldn't ask for a better ploy. This time, I'm using my intuition. Like honestly, my brain would be like, bitch run run run away as fast as you can don't stop at red just keep fucking going! But I'm not gonna. I'm testing my surf skills and the waves are extra crunchy. I almost feel like Dylan McKay.

I'm Zen like, not obsessed but always in the back of my mind, about death and horny, always so romantically horny. I deserve some hang time with my new guy. My new Daddykins, although I haven't called him that yet. He's just Daddy. I missed having a Daddy. Someone who cares about me and sees how special I am. I think he really does too.

I'm allowing myself to trust him because even though I'm aware and paying attention, my head isn't stuck in the clouds. I still have a lot of shit on my own to get through. I just...well I kind of think he wants to be by my side, or I on his. On your mark, get ready, set...go! Here is the introduction of the newest dynamic duo. Again, I'm a Princess and he's David in a goliath of a world.

But he's in the midst of taking it on. The battle that is. That's where we met. We were both on the front lines, wandering aimlessly about and boom, there he was. He saw me and he kept my interest. And now I have a new friend. A new Daddy. And he doesn't overwhelm like they usually do. It helps he already has a senorita at home. And thankfully she knows about me. We were even supposed to play but he says she's possibly intimidated by me.

It doesn't help that he compares us and it almost seems like it, but I'm totally winning and I never win. But he says things and it makes me think that maybe they can come true. I mean, we both deserve that kind of someone that we can rock with forever and share our dreams and shit. I mean, that's always been the goal right? In love? And he knows about pain! So empathy is real and I'm thankful for that. You make me feel more whole when I usually always feel like I'm less.

An unusual mess that often stays stressed but I digress... I'm actually getting tired and I'm starting to cramp. I hope I don't start before he comes thru tonight. I want to feel him inside of me. That's where we literally felt the connection. The spark. The click. That our anatomical parts fit. It felt so good to be his and used and loved or whatever superficial initial assessment and enlightened rendition of a dream called love.

He sees me. And I see him. He found me. We found each other. I have a new friend. That's what is really most important. I actually let one in. Possibly, actually, the right one. And I'm living my truth. I'm not hiding nothing from no one. And that's the most best part of this whole interaction, this specific time in my life. I actually have freedom. Finally, I am subconsciously and consciously, irrevocably and sublimely free!