I've waited for some pretty important things in my lifetime. So far, I waited 2 and a half years for my own apartment. I waited 4 years for my kidney transplant. And now, it seems like a whole new lifetime has passed and I am here, still waiting patiently, for true love.
In my saint like patience, I've learned that there is no truer love, than loving one's self. It took me a very long time to love me and even now I have my bad days. But I always remember that no matter how I look, feel or how others treat me, I LOVE ME! And no one can take that away.
Sure, I've had lovers and others proclaim their love for me, but words are nothing compared to the action. Not in a sense of "what can you do for me" or me for them. But just show me that you see me. Not just who you want me to be. And you still want to be around me despite my physical and mental imperfections. To me, that's love.
Understanding and empathizing that, yes, I am different and may be difficult at times, but I am capable of love. And I'm patient enough to wait for the kind of love I deserve to come find me. Because I won't look. I can't. I already found my self love. Is there some other self who would dare to love me?
Like the Brownstone song, If you love me...say it and prove it. Show it and do it. Otherwise, I rather be alone. Its safer because I know I won't hurt me. I know how special and precious I am. I don't really need someone to tell me these things, per se. But it would be pretty dope if someone did and didn't want anything in return. Just friendship.
Friendship is love on another level, because as you know, there are many levels of love. I, for one, am currently feeling a love that I've never experienced before. I spoke about it briefly the other day. Its scary to love someone who sees you as who you really are and they accept you and shit...but you can't be with them.
Earlier this year, my heart was severely broken and I thought I'd never love again. Or at least, never fall in love again. And that's where I am. I love someone and its so sweet and powerful but it isn't in love. I love my favorite person and as someone with BPD, that's a good and bad thing.
Perhaps I'll talk about why at another time. But for now, what I do know is that while he hasn't told me he loves me, he shows me in his concern for my well being. He makes sure I take care of myself. He checks on me everyday. Its easy to love someone who cares like that. And not only do I love him, I trust him too. I think that's even scarier.
I learned from him what kind of love I do want. If it can't be with him, at least he has showed me what I deserve. So I'll sit here, or rather lay in bed, thinking of him and waiting patiently for a love like his that I can call my own.
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Dear Diary: But Seriously, What the Fuck?
Non-FictionI don't blog, just needed a place to vent. Who knows, maybe someone will read it and empathize or sympathize with me. All I know is, we're not alone. No matter how different we look on the outside, we all go through the same bloody bullshit. So this...
