Dear Diary: But Seriously, What the Fuck?

Dear Hormones...

For a moment there, however brief, I imagined myself pregnant. Yesterday my body felt weird, off, the whole morning and I tried to figure out what it was. Then my body triggered a memory of when I was pregnant 14 years ago. I was on dialysis and had been with my boyfriend at the time, for almost 2 years. We didn't use protection because I seemed to be infertile but low and behold one day....My body just felt weird. Somewhat off.

I smiled at this memory because, as a woman of a certain age, 39, I have what the doctors lovingly refer to as "senior eggs" which means, to my understanding, that my eggs are old, few and far between and less likely to get fertilized. Add on the heaping hot mess that is endometriosis, and for sure I'd think there's no way in hell I could be pregnant. But there is. A very teensy weensy smallest chance. Am I happy? No. Yet if by some miracle I was pregnant, then it would feel like, as if God forgave me. Or I forgave myself, my family, my ancestors....

I just don't know, but my body feels different and I think it's too early to check because I haven't missed a period yet. Let's see if I feel that same weird feeling later on in the sunlight hours of morning and not this 3 am shit that I seem to have been going through the past few days. In my secret dreams and heart of hearts, despite being an extremely high risk pregnancy, I would try my very hardest to keep it.

I've been pregnant 3 times in my life and was never able to have them, for extenuating circumstances. But I wanted them all. Just like I would want this one. And I would die for this one. I'm almost 40, my life is half done. I'd gladly give my other half to see a child of mine born into the world. Maybe they'll be the ones to save the universe and all my pain and suffering happened so they would be born with a strong soul and bright light that will heal all of humanity.

Or maybe, this is all just wishful thinking and I'm driving myself needlessly insane because I still feel the sting of rejection that is slowly manifesting itself into loneliness. Yet I'm not alone. I just wish I wasn't so easily walk away-able. I wish I was fought for, even if it was just a bdsm relationship and they had red flags. What if I was meant to help him? It would be his child of course. He is already the father of 2 and seems like a good dad.

But me? I would almost want to be selfish and keep the baby all to myself. She's mine. Or he. Or maybe that weird feeling is my own soul expanding and maybe I'm ready to ascend to the next life. Does that mean I'm dying? I'm not sure but I know I need to smoke and listen to music because I'm getting stuck in my head and caught up in my feelings. Motherfucking emotions, man. They fucking blow!

*I chose this song because it came up randomly and it kind of fits the silent treatment I've received and given in return...