Dear Diary: But Seriously, What the Fuck?

Dear Crush...

You think crushes are for kids but as someone nearing 40, I still get them. But I know me and I know that my crush would never become a relationship. Because I'm crazy and apparently, can be very intense. I don't notice the intense part but after scaring a few guys away, I had to look at myself. What am I doing wrong? Why even bother?

Nowadays, when I do try to pursue a relationship, of any kind, I tell them about my BPD right away. It can be very scary and intense and if they can't handle it at the beginning then there really is no point in trying. Laying it all on the table isn't what most people are used to. Everyone likes to play games and shit. I don't. I have no time for any shenanigans or tomfoolery. I love that word by the way.

While I have a Dom, I'm reminded that this situation is almost at an end. At least another month. I'm scared that I'll never find someone who understands me and accepts me, like he does. At least, he took the time to. I really don't want to start over again. So during tomorrows full moon, I'll be doing some meditation and putting out good thoughts and intentions on a new love. Hopefully this time, they'll come to me.

My past three relationships have all been online and long distance. I'm really good at those. They didnt have to physically witness my illness, both physical and mental. But when they did, homies did a 180 and either they split or I did. If you cant handle me at my worst then you're weak and I can't do weak. Ive been strong my whole life but I'm ready for someone to be strong for me.

I do have a crush. It's been on and off for two years, because basically he gets on my nerves and then I devalue him and leave him alone. I saw that pattern and it's not healthy, especially since my attentions can't be reciprocated. He is a social worker who is the program director of where I live. More on that in a later day. But I'm his job, so we could never be together.

He's seen me at my very best, when I was happy in a relationship or when I accomplished something. He's also seen me at my very worst, where I even cursed him out and wanted to physically attack him. But he's also one of the only man I can cry in front of, that hasn't been a doctor of mine. While he isn't vocally empathetic, I now see that his presence, at least when I'm complaing, angry or crying, is a strong one. He doesn't get scared of me. Not from what I can tell. And that makes me like him. And he's kind of cute and smart and I think we could have a lot in common but he can't really share too much with me, it'd be unprofessional.

Sometimes I think he may like me too, but maybe I'm reading too much into our rare interactions. He's asked me personal questions and I'm an open book, he basically knows my entire life story. He even told me he didn't judge me for "dating" married men. Now if that isn't someone you want in your life, than you have a problem. Being understood and not judged is a big thing for me. Otherwise I don't trust you. Its a borderline thing I guess.

I wish I could tell him how I feel but I know from the past two years, my feelings come and go because, like I said, he can seem a little unempathetic and he can piss me off like no one else. But he shared with me that his mother has BPD and she and I even have the same birthday. That's some twin flame shit right there. Look it up, it's like a soul mate but someone who you share a soul with. Its hard to explain but Google is your friend. With that knowledge, I feel like he would be perfect for me, as he's probably dealt with a Libra mood swinger his entire life. I still feel I would scare him away tho.

It's nice to have a crush, but I don't like them sometimes because they can overwhelm my thoughts and my behavior changes. Then I feel my emotions for him are plainly seen. He's never said anything. I've never been inappropriate. I just know we can never be, not now anyways. Maybe he likes me, maybe he doesn't. All I know is, if I can find someone like him with a combination of my Dom, they'd be perfect for me. But there's no such thing as perfect. I pray one day someone can see that and accept my many imperfections and still is somehow able to love me.