Dear Diary: But Seriously, What the Fuck?

Dear Rage...

I know we have to simmer down and not let people's bad behavior get the best of us. It's just fucked up that instead of getting rewarded for holding in my rage and trying to transmute it into something good, I end up suffering. I shouldn't even be awake right now.

I have the dumbest, most inconsiderately rude and selfish neighbors. They only care about themselves and when I try to get some peace and quiet, there's always someone fucking it up with their tomfoolery.

One asshole plays his music too loud, at any or all hours of the day. Another dumb ass constantly burns his food and his smoke alarm is always going off. He doesn't know how to turn it off and everyone else is too lazy to check to see if there is an actual fire. Nevermind the fucking smoke alarm is still going off, beeping loud and violently. I want to be loud and violent too!

But it's only 7 am on Sunday morning. They woke me up at 6:30 am. Who the fuck is making sausages at this hour? Like, go back to sleep or learn how to fucking cook! Must I, the youngest person on the premises, continue to be the only rational adult here? I don't know if I can take it anymore! And there is not much I can do.

Seems I have to record my complaints down and after there is, I don't know what a decent amount is, hopefully this piece of shit senior citizen will be kicked out. Yup, I said it. I'm literally sick and sick and tired of dealing with this. Bad enough my body makes me want to die sometimes, but now I feel trapped in what should be my safe haven.

I know I'm a strong independent woman who needs no man...but dammit if I don't want to be rescued by a Prince. Or a King. Maybe I found my king but I can't expect anything from him. But boy does my secret heart of hearts want him to take me away.

That's what helps me get through these moments, as I stifle my rage through frustrated tears. I think about how wonderful he makes me feel and ans fantasize how he would ask me to be with him always. We'd live apart like we do now but I would always be his and he always be mine and when we're together, the world is gone and I'm calm. Everything is the way it should be.

I think I'm going to die in this building. No one would notice because people mind their business. Hey, I mind mine too but if your dumb ass falls, I still offer to help you up. If the smoke alarm goes off, I'm the first one running upstairs to try to turn it off. But no one cares and the ones who say they do, I don't trust them. Its hard for me to trust anymore because I'm constantly disappointed by people.

I don't understand how I can disappoint anyone. I speak my truth to prepare them and give them a choice to stay or walk away. Or I just walk away because I don't want to deal with it. But I tell them I do that too, so its no surprise when I stop talking to them. I'll continue to isolate. Stay the designated adult amongst these selfish pricks. I'll just sit here and wait because I know in a couple of days, I'll be with him and in his arms and his kisses will make all the bullshit melt away. Only then do I truly feel free.